THE WICKER MAN

Highway patrolman Edward (Nicolas Cage, FACE/OFF) stops a young mother and her daughter one sunny afternoon for speeding. As he speaks to the mother, the daughter throws her rag doll from out of the passenger window and onto the other side of the road. Edward obliges in the game of fetch, and races across the tarmac to pick the toy up.

As he picks the doll up, a huge truck comes from out of nowhere and speeds into the stationery car. Edward dashes to the wreck and frantically tries to free the girl, still conscious in the back of the car. Alas, the wreck explodes internally.

Edward takes leave from work to come to terms with the tragedy, but a female colleague turns up at his home with a hand-written letter that has been hand-delivered to the police station. It's from Edward's former fiancé Willow (Kate Beahan, THE RETURN). In it, she begs him to travel to the remote island of Summerisle where she now lives as part of a commune. Her daughter Rowan has gone missing and she feels that he is the only person who can help her.

Against his colleagues' advice, Edward sets out for the island and is instantly greeted with suspicion and mild hostility from the locals. Unperturbed, he makes for the local B&B - where he meets the attractive Willow for the first time in years.

She warns that it will be difficult to speak together as the "sisters" are always watching, then meets Edward in secret down near the lake to reveal she believes Rowan has been abducted.

Edward, still filled with remorse over the opening scene's tragedy and still clearly in love with Willow, vows to help find her daughter. This involves insulting the locals by interviewing them at their jobs, coming up against a bunch of people telling Rowan either didn't ever exist or has been dead for years, and ultimately falling on the wrong side of the imposing Sister Summerisle (Ellen Burstyn, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM).

A remake of the classic 70s British horror film, THE WICKER MAN looks beautiful and is well-edited. It offers a couple of fresh ideas (the car-crash opening, the fact that Edward is not a virgin, and the Christopher Lee character being played by Burstyn). Oh, those horrible folk songs from the original? They've gone too.

The word "pointless" springs to mind. Why take a very distinctive movie with an incredible following (often cited as THE greatest British horror film of all time) and relocate it to rural America? Why take a film with one of the best ever twist endings, which surely everyone is now familiar with, and give it another crack?

And, why oh why cast Nicolas Cage in a role played so much more convincingly by Edward Woodward? Cage is horrendous. Frowning like only he can frown throughout, looking confused at the best of times, and simply stupid at others. It's a terrible performance, even by Cage's standards.

As for director Neil LaBute, what the fuck was he thinking even taking on this project? His earlier works (including IN THE COMPANY OF MEN, YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS and NURSE BETTY) are wry, observant slices of malicious black comedy.

But this, this is a lame Hollywood attempt at watered-down horror rife with cliché - every ten minutes or so, there's a gratuitous attempt to wake the viewer with scenes such as:

Cage chasing after what he thinks may be Rowan (shades of DON'T LOOK NOW), Cage opening up a grave in the dead of night, surprised at the contents (shades of THE OMEN), Cage running away from a swarm of bees (shades of, er, SWARM).

All of which are set to insultingly melodramatic music.

If you appreciate gorgeous outdoor cinematography and don't care that every other element of the film stinks (including the sign-post scripting), you may well love THE WICKER MAN remake.

Everyone else is advised to steer well clear of this debacle.

I watched the Retail disc of this UK release. It's presented in anamorphic 2.40:1 and looks fantastic. That wonderful photography is done superb justice with a pristine, rich and pin-sharp presentation.

Likewise, the 5.1 English audio is extremely satisfying. English and English Hard-of-Hearing subtitles are optional.

An animated scene selection menu allows access to the film via 16 chapters.

Two forced trailers open up the disc - for EDISON (looks awful) and RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR (more intriguing).

The only extra feature here is a commentary track from LaBute, producer Norm Golightly and editor Joel Potch.

THE WICKER MAN remake looks gorgeous and is very, very funny. Only problem is, it isn't meant to be. Avoid.

Review by Stu Willis