THE WATERMEN

Chrissy, Diane and Lisa are three young ladies in their prime. They are about to embark on a heavenly boat trip courtesy of Trailor (Jason Mewes) and his two assistants, Mike and Bret, two brothers who are up for a bit of sport fishing themselves.

The boat is equipped with everything – a fridge for all the champagne the ladies can guzzle – and a spy hole for the boys to ogle them in their bedroom!

All is going swimmingly well until disaster strikes. Not only does the engine suddenly blow, they have they been cleared out of all their emergency supplies such as flares and radio equipment. It couldn’t have ANYTHING to do with that sinister looking guy with the discoloured eye and criss-crossed scarred face who uninvited ‘checked over’ the boat before they set sail could it????

After some petty stress, the group’s prayers are answered as help arrives. All seems fine until they realize the water they greedily gulped from their rescuers has in actual fact been drugged!! The malicious crew then embarks on a game of ‘Stalk and Splash’ whereby they young holiday makers are brutally violated fishermen style!

Pitchforks, fishhooks and all round butchery soon becomes the group but they are not giving up without a fight. There is a lose plot concerning itself with the mystery of some meaty looking bait, but its frustratingly predictable. Will the guys save their mermaids - or will they all succumb to THE WATERMEN????

Oh dear or dear! It’s not often a movie becomes instantly forgettable the moment the credits roll, but this was one of them folks.

For a start the picture had that opulent American TV look to it. As the gorgeous females sipped their cocktails, clad in bikini’s, in the opening frames I felt I was watching CSI Miami or some such show. This, coupled with the bimbo-esque dialogue is an excellent way to lose the viewers interest very early on.

The movie did have some glimpses of humour though. Trailor’s "bollocks on webcam" scene may well appeal to the demographic not yet at legal driving age but when a young man showing his testicles through his zipper is the highlight, it doesn’t bode well for a scary viewing experience!

There is violence of course. The vague scenes early with close up gore of skin being peeled from butchered flesh offered some promise. But by the hour mark, anchored firmly in torture porn territory, you may well be reaching for the Pro Plus never mind sea sick tablets!

Maybe director Matt L Lockhart, thought he was stoking up some controversy with the ‘removal of silicon implant’ scene but by that time the unforgivable blandness of the group only made you want them all dead anyway.

My main gripe with the film though was this; Considering The Watermen are alluded to as a legendary group of pirates who rule the seas, they were ludicrously fair game to a bunch of air headed city folk who just graduated from a Beverly Hills school of pretentiousness. Not great!

All said and done, I have talked to a few people recently who find the likes of Serbian Film and Human Centipede etc too much to take. Maybe these folk have found their level with stuff like The Watermen. But for yours truly, I was drowned in boredom despite a few nasty slayings and rapes.

Review by Marc Lissenburg