THE VINEYARD

My drinking habits have been through a few transgressions over the years. Initially, I dabbled with fizzy water called Budweiser back when canned beverages had throwaway ring pulls. Soon to follow were the ‘cider years’. It was a wonderful era that earned me the coveted reputation of a ‘Goth Mr Kipling’. This was probably down to my unique hangover cure called "SPECIAL K" which basically consisted of a hash flapjack being washed down with a couple of cans of K cider!

A decade drowning in a sea of stout and whiskey followed before I finally learned to appreciate the refined art of sipping red wine. (Ok my sips are rather ‘swig like’ and they tend to be more frequent than my liver would like but it’s a start) Considering crimson plonk is still my poison of choice, it was only natural that the prospect of Arrowdrome adding a 1989 Horror flick called THE VINEYARD to their library of cult films would lead me to believing my glass was half full... The movie was written and partly directed by James Hong who also stars as the mysterious Dr Elson Po. Dr Po, it would seem, has an enigmatic status in the two industries that go hand in hand - movie producing and wine making! Connoisseurs are so in awe of his precious vino, they bid up to $50, 000 at auction for it; while young starlets are eager to visit his secretive island hoping for a slice of stardom.

What both sets of admirers DON’T realise is that Po’s secret recipe consists of human blood along with flaked chippings from the sides of his magical jade amulet. The sinister concoction serves to keep Po young (well middle aged at least) and conceal his true maturity which is actually over 200 years! Failure to keep his ominous prescription topped up means Po starts to wither and desiccate until he resembles a fiendishly parched corpse.

But magical amulets are not immortal, especially when you shave the edges off regularly. As such, he hatches a nefarious, yet rather convoluted, plan to fashion a new one. It’s here some of the movies many perplexities start to unfurl.

Somehow, Po has been made aware of a budding young actress desperate to crack the big time. Ex Playboy Playmate, Karen Witter aka Karen Lorre, plays Jezebel Fairchild who is given the opportunity to access Po via her agent Paul (Karl-Heinz Teuber) who quite possibly sports the campiest German accent in cinematic history! Instructions from Po that Jezebel can bring her friends means joining her on her jaunt is her ‘blossoming martial artist’ of a boyfriend Lucas (Lars Wangberg); Then there is Brian Whitman (Sean P. Donahue) who we are irrelevantly informed has a ‘high school diploma’; Crucial to the intricate plot is Jeremy Young (Michael Wong) a typical 1980’s nerd looking journalist whose circular spectacles are so large they threaten to cover his whole face. Brad (Rue Douglas) the mandatory meathead completes the eclectic troop. At first Po seems like the perfect, if a little eccentric host. Food and music is laid on in abundance for a first night party whose frolics are fuelled by, yep you guessed it, some appetizing wine.

As Po floods Jezebel’s mind with promises of stardom and spiritual connections a few abnormalities start to surface. The zombies partially buried in the vineyard offer a subtle hint as to what Po is really about. How long can he keep secret the legion of chained up victims in his vault? And as Jeremy steadily pursues his interview, what will he discover about the Po family legacy...?

With a career spanning over 50 years in the TV and movie business, it was no surprise to witness James Hong’s maniacal portrayal of the sadistic vintner steal the limelight. Not that he had much competition to be honest! Michael Wong seemed particularly culpable as he appeared determined to underplay even the most extreme revelations in the bizarre plot.

In all fairness though, it is a little futile to spend 90 minutes in the company of a vintage cheesy movie about enchanting wine, black magic and a gang of zombies, and then bemoan the quality of the acting on display. So what was there to justify the 18 certificate duly applied? Now that IS a tough question to answer as there didn’t seem anything overly gratuitous about the movie. Even an early scene whereby Po orders the castration of a mechanic who has been plunging his dip stick into Mrs Po took place conspicuously off camera.

Later on we do get a rapid decapitation along with the excruciating results of voodoo mixed the ancient art of Chinese acupuncture via multiple needles fatally piercing a victim’s throat, but it’s all a little tame in truth. Maybe the BBFC were simply sympathetic to the arachnophobia sufferers out there as one sequence depicts a rather stomach churning ‘spider regurgitation’.

The special make up courtesy of prosthetics meant the ripened fiends and zombies looked pretty decent. Of course the picture was made in the late 1980’s so we are treated to the almost obligatory electricity cum eye glow special effects in the climatic scenes!

The DVD itself was average at best. On the plus side the movie gets rare outing in its original aspect ratio of 1.85:1. While the 2.0 Mono audio is solid and consistent throughout, the picture’s brightness did fluctuate ever so slightly from time to time.

More disappointing than this is the complete lack of Bonus Material. All we get is a basic Menu Screen offering Chapter Selection (of which there are 12) and a trailer.

I guess to those folk who have a penchant for freaky monster flicks from a couple of decade’s back this could appeal. But for me, although my palette is admittedly not the most refined, I couldn’t help but the overall package tasted like it had been corked!

Review by Marc Lissenburg