VAMP VIXENS

(A.k.a. VAMP VIXENS: NASTY NOCTURNAL NYMPHOMANIACS)

After the sombre opening titles have sauntered past our eyes, we're greeted with a close-up of an ample cleavage barely contained in a tightly fitting leather basque. The tits belong to Mistress Luna Moon, a sultry Goth babe who will act as our hostess for the next 80 minutes.

The location is a smoke-filled, blue-hued set that doubles as a castle interior. Purring through pouted lips and seductively narrowed eyes, the heavily made-up tart then introduces us to the first of several erotic vignettes.

This involves a muscular Gaspar Noe-lookalike getting straddled by a fanged woman with a hot body, tattoos and braided hair. They give each other oral sex (listen out for some amusing post-dubbed slurping sounds) and then have sex. Any graphic detail is obscured by camera angles and the careful positioning of heads.

The highlights of this softly lit, deliberately slow soft-core romp are the girl's magnificent arse and her sexy torn fishnet catsuit.

Next up, Luna presents an episode starring two pretty young fillies and a lucky bastard in ill-fitting black shorts. This takes place in an empty warehouse, on a weirdly present mattress. It's another inordinately lengthy and uneventful soft-core romp with lots of simulated sex and gentle rock music. But, if you're into basques and women who wear knee-length black boots, you may find something of interest here.

"My next three vamp beauties were left alone in school after dark, where they decided to teach each other ..." coos Ms Moon while her chained gimp groans off-screen. Yes, it's full steam ahead for a slow, sensuous lesbo session next.

The shutters are down on the windows so this threesome can get on with some cloying sex in their bedroom. More tattoos, fangs and tits ensue - along with a surprising amount of tartan. You go for it girls ... you don't mind if I have forty winks while you fake getting it on with each other, do you?

Male and female vampires unite in Luna's fourth offering. The bloke in this sequence is another muscle-bound sunbed-worshipper, this time sporting a Misfits-type hairdo. This is set in a porno store and I spent most of the scene trying to focus on the magazines in the background. They looked a lot more interesting than what was going on in the foreground.

The last vignette is based in a 'hospital' (a studio lit up in red, with a few anatomical instruments hanging from the walls). Luna describes it as a "personal favourite". It's another nondescript 'fuck' between a pair of pointy-teethed nobodies.

Written and directed by Sean Brookland, this is pretty piss-poor even by soft porn standards. Or is it? All the usual ingredients are in there: soft rock music; even softer lighting; hot babes; post-dubbed groaning; tits, bums and fuck all else; warm colours; lengthy 'sex' scenes that make up the bulk of the 80-minute running time; someone in the cast who goes by the name of Steed Jackman ...

But it's deadly dull. The lovemaking is never convincing, and each vignette last for too long considering it's not building to a climax of any sort. None of them have storylines or dialogue (a good thing), but without hard action they also have no purpose.

I'm not sure who this is aimed at. It's like a worse version of THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST. At least that had a modicum of character and wit. VAMP VIXENS, in contrast, is humourless and listless. It is, in fact, almost self-consciously anti-erotic.

Do you enjoy watching heavily inked women pretending to have sex, positioning themselves carefully so you can never see their minges? If so, this poverty row schoolboy wankbore may be what you're looking for.

Not to be confused with the 2003 Misty Mundae vehicle VAMPIRE VIXENS or the terrible 1993 Michelle Bauer 'comedy' VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS, Brookland at least populates his digital film with an attractive cast.

The film is presented uncut in a 16x9 enhanced picture. Video quality is good, proffering strong colours and sharp images. It's not the brightest presentation, but I suspect that has more to do with the production's artificial lighting.

English audio is provided in 2.0 and is a fair proposition throughout each episode, but a little echoey whenever Luna's on screen.

Brookland Bros' disc opens with a static main menu page. From there, there is a static scene-selection menu allowing access to the main feature via 6 chapters. The chapter titles are arguably the best thing about the film ("Porn Store Amour", "Schoolgirls After Hours" and so on).

The only extras on the disc are a trailer for PALIN - ERECTION 2008 (starring a lookalike of you-know-who), and a one-minute preview of the Brookland Bros website (www.brooklandbros.com) which features soft-core strips from cute girls Mandy and Hazel respectively.

The women are hot and vampires are naturally sexy. The Brookland Bros do cater for hardcore tastes on their website. But, while some of the stuff they produce does look enticing, VAMP VIXENS is curiously flaccid stuff.

Review by Stu Willis