VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS

(A.k.a. THE BANDITS; DEATH RIDERS)

"Life's a bitch, bitch".

Wade (Jason Williams) is a bad ass ex-cop who also, I would wager, would really like to be Mad Max circa 1982. It's the leather attire that gives it away.

Thing is, Mel Gibson would never curse as much as Wade does (well, only while on the telephone to an ex-girlfriend perhaps), as evidenced when we first see the latter ruining a back alley drug deal one afternoon. Not only is Wade potty-mouthed, he's also hardly potty trained: he gets the dealer to empty his bags of cocaine onto the asphalt, and then pisses all over it.

It transpires that Wade has become some kind of anti-drugs vigilante since losing his badge. In particular, he spends his days desperately trying to find trace of an elusive criminal by the name of The Reaper. So when a punk girl stops him in the street and claims to know where a big-time dealer keeps his stash, Wade is quick to follow. Alas, this is a trick - and the blonde renegade is swiftly forced into the boot of a car.

He's been abducted a group of biker chicks called The Sisters of Mercy who drive him out to Death Valley, where they plan to execute him as revenge for putting their dope-dealing boyfriends out of business some time back: he killed some, the others he imprisoned.

Stripped down to a T-shirt and Persil-white briefs, Wade is tied spread-eagled to the ground. The girls then gather around him and announce "The one who gets your prick up, gets to waste you". Yes, they all intend to attempt getting him off before they take his life.

Cue a succession of desert-set stripteases, women performing fellatio on beer bottles, gyrating to horrific late 80s electro-funk ... all the while, the camera occasionally cutting to close-ups of Wade's groin to check whether or not he's developing a stiffy.

They even try injecting his nether regions with "a pure mixture of potent Spanish Fly"...

Will Wade succumb to the temptations of these sexily feral women? And if he does, is he a gone? The film pretty much spends the remainder of its running time deciding the answers to these questions.

Absolute trash of the highest order, there is no denying that VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS is a whole lot of guilty fun. Williams, best known as the star of FLESH GORDON, is a gloriously cheesy hero - all crass one-liners, furrowed brow and faux cool. He's great, in an awful way. Or vice versa, of course.

The girls themselves are cartoonish in their villainy, curiously ineffectual in their attempts to be sultry. Far better is Barne Wms Subkoski, who features as a Kenny Loggins-lookalike truck driver that happens upon the entire desert-based shenanigans. His delivery of the risible dialogue is tremendously, enjoyably inept.

The music, which sounds alternately like poor knock-offs of AC/DC riffs and Jan Hammer beats, adds to the twisted fun. It complements the dubious script, non-existent continuity and clumsily deposited flashback scenes perfectly. Even the female nudity is distinctly non-erotic.

Honestly, VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS is terrible in every regard - but incredibly entertaining while being so. VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS sounds like a lost classic from the Russ Meyer canon. One glance at the cover and you'd be forgiven for thinking it may be attributed to Jim Wynorski. However, its origins are more curious.

The DVD's back cover credits its director as being Henry Vernon. According to the Internet Movie Database, Vernon has one film to his name: 1987's THE DANGER ZONE. Confusingly, it stars Williams and concerns a group of women travelling cross-country only to fall foul of a gang of bikers.

IMDb, on the other hand, lists the film as having been made in 1994 by Gregory Vernon Jeffery - another one-hit-wonder by all accounts. According to IMDb, the film was originally titled DEATH RIDERS and released in the UK at some point as THE BANDITS.

Should you wish to add to any confusion that's starting to arise, the onscreen title is VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS and the director, according to the opening titles, is Lisa Yesko. There are a couple of people sharing this name on IMDb, but it's likely the one being alluded to is the same one responsible for producing VICIOUS LIPS and TERROR SQUAD in the late 80s, and acting as production supervisor on Stephen Chiodo's KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE.

Looking up Williams' resume on IMDb, I then came to realise that he plays the same character in four films: three DANGER ZONE movies (I'd never heard of the first one, let alone its two sequels) and VALLEY. So, it seemingly transpires that this is the fourth - and final - instalment in a saga of sorts.

I can only assume that distributors MVD Visuals have got their wires crossed (understandable, given all of the above) and credited this film to the wrong filmmaker...?

Anyway, don't let all of that hurt your head too much. Because the bottom line is this: VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS (or whatever it's called, and whoever it's directed by) isn't worthy of such deliberation. Just sit back and enjoy its gleeful silliness.

Oh, and watch out for Grindhouse Releasing man/SPIDER-MAN editor Bob Murawski's name among the closing titles!

The film is presented uncut in 1.33:1 here. I assume this is the original aspect ratio as everything looks appropriately framed. Picture quality isn't great: soft, with occasional specks. However, it is a colourful transfer and I have to say that for a film this trashy I found the presentation more than sufficient.

English 2.0 audio is adequate throughout.

The disc opens to a static main menu page. From there, an animated scene selection menu allows access to the film via 10 chapters.

There are no bonus features.

I loved VALLEY OF THE CYCLE SLUTS and am now eager to track down the preceding three DANGER ZONE films. I don't think I can get enough of Jason Williams as Wade Olsen. Having said that, recommending this film to others is a different matter entirely. Can I? Should I?

If you like your trash to be, er, very trashy, then you may just fall in love with this too

Review by Stuart Willis