UNCLE FARTS’ DIRTY MOVIE THEATER

Uncle Farts is back! The balding fat little nod to the primitive, puerile animation of "South Park" et al has been showcasing some of the more obscure titles in Alternative Cinema’s "vintage erotica" stable for some time now. And here, along with his trusty sidekick, auburn nephew Scooper, he returns for more irreverent links between films we probably never would’ve got to have seen (or even heard of) were it not for this release.

As ever, there is a framing device of considerable tolerance-testing cruddiness. In this case, it’s the badly animated tale of Farts’ journey from slashing the throats of passers-by beside rubbish skips, to running a porno theatre as a favour for its down-and-out owner, Cornelius.

Ladled down with an armful of old prints to start him off, Farts can’t wait to start a new life as a peddler of porn – with a little help from the equally dumb Scooper, of course.

Without further ado, we’re taken into the poorly attended Paradise Pictures theatre as Farts and his nephew usher a meagre audience into their seats, in preparation of the first film: INVOLUNTARY BIRD.

And so, we finally make it to some live action fun. I use the word "fun" extremely loosely.

Evidently a product of the early 1970s, this grainy film is chock-full of handheld camerawork which leads to an almost giddying experience at times. It’s not intentional, a’la THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: this is just bad filmmaking.

In fact, much of what we witness looks like little more than home video footage (a couple frolicking on the beach; they hang out at swimming pools and kiddies’ parks together).

Quite what the point of this plotless, clumsily shot and edited mess is, is baffling. The storyline (what there is) concerns male drug dealers who arrange business over the telephone while getting serviced by their women. Mumbled dialogue and a seemingly random sequence of events don’t help to clarify matters.

The lead dealer, though, is notable for possessing some fantastically ambiguous clothing and one of the most girlie hairstyles imaginable. It doesn’t stop him from getting blown though – although, camera angles ensure that we don’t get to see anything approaching hardcore action.

Running at little under an hour in length, this is a fairly useless film. Simulated sex scenes soon become boring; eventual police shakedowns are mildly amusing but arrive too late to generate any real interest; acting is poor but not enough to be funny; even the women are mediocre (and quite often their faces are obscured anyway).

A rather soft and damage-riddled 1.33:1 presentation doesn’t help matters much, although the English mono audio is serviceable.

But at least Farts’ patrons seem to be enjoying the show ("Oh my God, my dick is so hard right now" one tells his wife. "So is mine", she replies ...). And so, he moves on to the next film: SHE’LL DO ALRIGHT.

This one opens in an agency dealing in domestic helpers. The employers are initially despairing over having no suitable female recruits to fill recent vacancies. Enter a pretty young French woman, newly in America, who is desperate for work as an au pair.

Despite her attire resembling a prototype Shellsuit, the foreign lovely is swiftly despatched to a wealthy male customer’s house to tend to him and his several pet cats. There’s a lot a pussy in this sequence, fnar fnar.

A spot of cross-dressing madness later, and then our glamorous Gallic brunette is shipped off to another client: and subjected to more kinkiness. Not that she’s complaining. The film progresses vignette-style from there onwards.

The print on this film is surprisingly clean once you get past the first few minutes, looking nicely sharp and bright. I also enjoyed that the cast were attractive, and the style (music; photography; fashions) appeared a little more contemporary – late 70s/early 80s I’d guess.

In truth, it’s not badly shot. But the story does meander – and the softcore nature of the action renders the entire thing pretty pointless. Also , it’s quite amusingly dubbed. It’s weird on both of these counts: the inclusion of legends John Leslie and Herschel Savage in the cast suggests that the original version of this film was most likely (a) hardcore, and (b) shot in English.

Again, the film is presented in 1.33:1 and this time benefits from a very healthy sounding mono soundtrack.

Disc one opens with a colourful animated main menu page, complementing a montage of soft bump ‘n’ grind with a high octane jazz score. From there, an animated scene-selection menu allows access to the first disc’s entire two-film show via 20 chapters.

The only extras on disc one are trailers for ALL THE SINS OF SODOM, BUSTY BOMBSHELLS OF THE ATOMIC AGE, DEEP THROAT COMEDY COLLECTION, GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS OF THE 1970S, GRINDHOUSE GIRLS OF THE 1970S and SKIN IN THE 70S.

Over on disc two, Farts and Scooper are back to introduce their growing clientele to more seedy delights.

Farts’ first customer is a wayward cop who admits that "there’s no harm taking in a fuck movie before pistol-whipping some fat guy". You get the idea of the level of humour that the animated links are aiming at?

The cop sits with Farts to view FIRST TIME.

This turns out to be a fairly stylish Anthony Spinelli film, criminally shown here in its abridged soft version. Still, the bubblegum theme tune remains great fun.

Quite obvious cuts and overdubbing mar this one from the start. This is a shame, because it’s an otherwise polished and considered production, with decent acting and a highly erotic sensibility to its set-pieces.

It centres on Sue (Mimi Morgan), who works as a porn actress to support her beloved but useless boyfriend Jan (Joey Slivera). When asked by one co-star what makes her give such a hot performance, she doesn’t like to say - but we witness the answer, as she fantasises about energetic lovemaking sessions with Jan.

Home life for Sue though doesn’t live up to the fantasies of yesteryear, and there are rows aplenty around the dinner table due to Jan’s reluctance to get a job. All of which makes Sue think perhaps she’d be better off getting off with her recently smitten male co-star ...

A bit of lesbianism here, a spot of belt-whipping there – and plenty of making up with her beau in-between – Morgan really excels in this film, despite this being the 56-minute cable-friendly version.

In fact, the real shame within this set is that this film in particular is compromised. Obviously, the other three are too – but this one, specifically, looks to be a film that (in its entirety) would be a great proposition. And, of course, any chance to catch the hugely prolific Slivera (THE SPERMINATOR; FEMMES DE SADE etc) in action is priceless ... only, not when all his best bits are edited out!

The good news is that the transfer on FIRST TIME is very clean and smooth, offering good playback once the initial damage has settled down (quite quickly). The English mono audio is decent too.

The final film in this set is ADULTERY FOR FUN AND PROFIT. And it does exactly what it says on the tin: a young playboy (complete with Paisley shirt and sideburns) fucks married women for kicks, and then blackmails them.

It’s a happy existence, until a handful of the women realise they’ve all been hoodwinked by the same guy ... and decide to square up to him.

It sounds like a credible exploitation plot, but don’t get your hopes up. This is just another softcore romp that last less than an hour and has nothing to offer, other than a couple of scenes that utilise disco lighting for ambience.

At the very least, the performers seem to be having a wail of a time.

Again, this film is presented in 1.33:1 (grainy here) and with a so-so English mono soundtrack.

As with disc one, we get the same animated main menu page and an animated scene-selection menu allowing access to the show (no individual film access) via 18 chapters.

There are no extras on disc two.

You could argue that you’re not likely to ever see these films anywhere else, ever, other than in this region-free 2-disc DVD release. But then, many would also argue – do you really want to see them?! They’re not the best films, and they do all appear to be compromised by their omission of hardcore content.

I suppose though that completists will enjoy the prospect of seeing the likes of Slivera, Savage and Leslie in lesser-known titles.

Review by Stuart Willis