TEXAS CHAINSAW

Anger is not an emotion usually invoked as I indulge in my passion for horror movies. But that all changed a few weeks ago when I subject myself to John Lussenhop’s TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D at my local multiplex. While I don’t necessarily want to jump on the ‘anti remake’ bandwagon, I do admittedly have a distinct wariness when it comes to modern reinventions of horror favourites from bygone eras.

TC3D, however, boasted something a little different. Lussenhop’s movie, in case you are unaware, is not simply a ‘remake’ but an ‘official sequel’ to Hooper’s seminal classic. With the original director producing, Bill Moseley starring, the promise of gore stretching out to the audience and an adamant ‘18’ certificate slapped on for good measure, just how bad could an uncut 92 minute Cheesefest be?

The opening frames reaffirmed the movies intention of being a seamless continuation with a 3 minute montage of the 1974 original. Although the Blu-ray I am covering was merely in 2d form, my cinema experience came complete with popcorn, dark glasses and of course the extra dimension. The depth of sunlight pouring through the dusty windows of the Sawyers abode utilized the protruding aspect wonderfully. Then of course there was the obligatory ‘money shot’ of Terry McMinn’s red short clad posterior in all its triple dimensional glory!

But it didn’t take long though for cautious promise to be hampered by alarm bells when the contemporary cast picked up the narrative. Although we are led to believe this is the day after Sally Hardesty’s crazed escape from the clutches of Leatherface, TC3D is instantly and conspicuously bereft of the dark aura that perplexed the censors 39 years go. Bill Moseley as Drayton for example paid no attention to the dishevelled appearance of Jim Siedow’s "Old Man" from the original, even though he is supposed to be the same demented character.

It is with Drayton that the story begins. He tries in vain to fend off an assembled group of local vigilantes whose intention it is to run the Sawyers out of town once and for all. The violent chaos that ensues means flames devour homes along with a baby getting viciously snatched from the arms of its mum.

Despite the escalating violence, the din of aforementioned ‘alarm bells’ were then cranked up to deafening levels when the sight of computer generated flames ludicrously had no effect on arid feathers littering the ground!

We then fast forward to present day and meet Heather Miller (Alexander Daddario), a grown up version of the seized tot from the blazing melee. Simple mathematics concludes Heather should be in her late 30’s but alas, the pretty young girl looks like she has only just kissed her teenage years goodbye. (She was actually 26 when the movie was made) Despite being crudely adopted by an odious couple, the young lady still presents as a well-balanced and affable human being – obviously!

Heather gets a letter in the post that reveals she has just inherited her Grandmother Verna’s property. Her confusion then turns to fury when she also learns that she has been adopted. It all results in the youthful milf confiding in her boyfriend Ryan (Trey Songz, who you may remember for his contribution to the STEP UP movies..) Along with her friends Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sanchez) and Nikki (Tania Raymonde) Heather travels south to collect the keys to her newly acquired mansion.

13 minutes in and my interest was hanging by a thread. The combination of the bland characters and the MTV friendly Hip Hop soundtrack made the whole thing taste like a watered down diet Coke from McDonalds!

A flurry winks at the audience by way of upturned dead armadillo’s and buxom buttocks in crimson coloured hot-pants culminated in the predictable picking up of a hitchhiker. But there was no hint of Edwin Neals’ unhinged antics here. Instead we get Darryl (Shaun Sipos), a chiselled chinned hunk complete with ripped six-pack.

As the transaction of inherited keys is made, the burning question of how she was actually tracked down by her grandmother Verna is posed. "You were never lost.." is the elusively weak reply from Farnsworth (Richard Riehle) the local lawyer as he hands her the keys along with an envelope that she MUST read immediately. Somewhat ridiculously, not only does Heather ignore the envelope, she also leaves Darryl, their newly acquainted hitcher, in sole possession of the mansions keys as they pop out for supplies. The inevitable resulting theft of the Sawyer family silver culminates in Darryl revealing the hidden secret in the bowels of the family basement.

Cue chainsaws cunningly aimed at the screen, mundane blood and guts, more winks at viewer via a ghoulish freezer discovery and the revelation that the main ring leader from the vigilante gang (who has aged REMARKABLY well since 1974...!) is now the town Mayor. Even at this stage, I still had futile hope that an extremely gory climax could actually claw back a scrap of respectability, but little did I know that the movie had not only hit rock bottom – it had its shovel out and was ready to start digging!

The abysmal pitch fork murder was bad enough but then the CGI deteriorated to quite appalling levels with the final ‘meat grinder’ death which was so unconvincing it portrayed supposed squirting blood as a pixelated puff of red smoke. Throw a bucket of ketchup mixed with piss toward the camera as a 3d gesture if nothing else for fucks sake!

But the final straw, for me anyway, came just before the software induced finale. In a scene whereby Heather is subjected to a convoluted death plan, she throws an opportunely positioned chainsaw toward Leatherface (Dan Yeager) to the tune of "Do your thing cuz.." Sorry hun did you just say "Do your thing cuz"? I am assuming the "THING" you are referring to is to sever unsuspecting folk up with a roaring chainsaw right? Oh dear... It was almost degrading to behold the once menacing mystery of the genuine Leatherface legacy be relegated with such a tacky line of dialogue.

Stick around until the bitter end and a post credit sequence not only disparages Leatherface further, but also makes Bruce Campbell’s inane "Groovy" cameo from the THE EVIL DEAD remake seem like a touch a class! It’s ironic that the word "MASSACRE" has been omitted from the title as that’s exactly what it did to what little credence the Texas Chainsaw franchise had left considering the numerous sequels, remakes and modern prequels that have been puked out of Hollywood.

I guess the main reason TC3D really hit a raw nerve was the way it exploited one of my all-time favourite movies in the opening frames before deteriorating into a turgid mess. My esteemed peers have admittedly been less vitriol in their criticism, citing the film as an "OK popcorn movie". Personally I think that insults popcorn, but with my catharsis finally complete, please accept that final damning quip as a sign of graceful descent from my blood splattered soapbox....

Given my rather abnormal pessimism, it is important to stress the disc itself offers quite superb value for money. For a start, the picture is nothing short of flawless. Possibly helped by the movies original objective of being a three dimensional presentation, the MPEG-4 AVC codec and 1080p resolution offers an amazingly sharp image in its original 2.40:1 aspect ratio. The audio options of a DTS-HD Master Audio 7.1 and Dolby Digital 2.0 in English offered a solid soundscape. As expected, the power tooled roar packed a real punch but I couldn’t help but feel it was all a little too centralized. Considering the movie was meant for 3d, I felt the rear speakers were somewhat underused.

But it is the bonus material whereby Lionsgates’ disc really redeems itself. For a start there are three separate full length audio commentaries included which begin with Director John Lussenhop and Dan Yeager. This tended to be a more formal track whereby the intricate technicalities of the movie are examined and explored. Next up Tobe Hooper along with producer Carl Mazzocone lend their thoughts to the microphone with the former brave enough to raise concerns about the direction this "sequel" went in. The final track labelled "Chainsaw Alumni" treats us to the fan friendly musings of Bill Moseley, Gunnar Hansen, Marilyn Burns and John Dugan.

While it was great to have so many of the ‘original’ cast members contribute in the final track (Burns and Hansen make fleeting cameo appearances in the feature) it was a little frustrating to hear some of the movies flaws simply dismissed in the previous commentaries. The question of Heathers age, for example, is addressed but exasperatingly it appeared the filmmakers believed people wouldn’t mind too much about the crater sized holes in the narrative.

Hooper pops up again in a 7 minute segment called TEXAS CHAINSAW LEGACY. Along with his musings we hear from cast members regarding their attempt to rejuvenate the flagging franchise.

Just over 9 minutes is a section called "RESURRECTING THE SAW" Clearly egged on by Lionsgate, the filmmakers take this opportunity to publicize their ambitions for future Texas Chainsaw movies of this ilk. The lucrative SAW movies are even cited as a measure of how far they believe this series can go…

10 seconds shy of 15 minutes is a mini documentary called THE OLD HOMESTEAD. Here we see the efforts the crew went to craft the Sawyers family residence. Most interesting are the appearances of Gunnar Hansen and Marilyn Burns who offer a few thoughts in-between their cameo endeavours.

CASTING TERROR (12 mins) focuses on the recruitment of actors and actresses involved before LEATHERFACE 2013 (14 mins) brings together the men behind the human skinned concealments from opposing eras. Gunnar Hansen and Dan Yeager are both at hand to delve into the Leatherface phenomenon with the latter clearly ‘living the dream’...

What follows are two separate sections: LIGHTS, CAMERA MASSACRE and IT’S IN THE MEAT. Together they focus on the 3d techniques and the gore. Quite astonishing claims are made in IITM about how they kept things "real" by not relying too heavily on CGI!!! Sorry guys but after being subject to Mayor Hartman’s ridiculous death scene I really beg to differ…

A set of featurettes totalling just over 33 minutes are grouped together under the banner ON SET SUBJECTS: FIVE-MINUTE MASSACRES. These are a basic behind the scenes look at the more action focused scenes from the movie.

An alternate opening scene and the original trailer complete the EXTRAS.

I usually wouldn’t spend so much energy taking about something I did NOT enjoy, but in the case of this debacle I could not resist.

The bottom line is, GREAT DISC... shame about the movie...

Review by Marc Lissenburg