SECRET DESIRES

One morning while bored housewife Denise (Darian Caine, CHANTAL; SEX HEX) is dusting her floor in see-through underwear, she peers into the closet and notices an odd metal container.

She shouts up the stairs to her husband Harold to ask him what it is, but he doesn't reply. So, with curiosity getting the better of her, Denise opens the tin.

Inside it she finds an old projector and a reel of film. Denis wastes no time in assembling the pieces and pointing the lens at a wall, preparing to watch the film. What she witnesses is an old "loop" - a short film devoid of plot or dialogue, simply showcasing a blonde woman stripping for the camera and fondling herself.

This gets Denise hot under the collar and she enjoys a grope herself.

The following morning, Harold notices the projector and goes mad - he thinks Denise has been out spending his money on trash. Despite being baffled as to the origins of the projector, Denise argues with Harold over more seemingly pertinent matters instead: she's useless at household chores such as cooking cleaning, he says; she accuses him of being lousy in bed. The argument only ends when Harold rises abruptly from the breakfast table and storms out to work.

At work, we learn that Harold is the boss of a clothing factory. We also learn that his colleague Tom is a closet gay, who will try anything to get close to the oblivious Harold.

Meanwhile, back in the marital home, Denise pulls out another film reel from the closet and watches more striptease frivolity while pleasuring herself with her hand.

And so it goes on. Despite being only 75 minutes long, SECRET DESIRES is a surprisingly repetitive and monotonous film that exists as essentially a succession of lame comedy sketches as Tom tries to bed an unwitting Harold (the two are often caught in uncompromising positions by Harold's secretary) and Denise frigging herself off while watch ropey old loops.

It soon grows tiresome, even when Harold is drugged and Tom has his wicked way with him (mildly amusing, though thoroughly incorrect), and the loops are discovered by both Harold's secretary and a sexy tattooed maid, which leads (eventually) to a well-lit but overlong lesbian scene.

I'm not sure who SECRET DESIRES is intended for. The comedy scenes are so stupid that the audience most likely to laugh at them would be ten-year-olds. But they're so rife with swearing that no kid should ever see this.

The sex scenes, on the other hand, are incredibly tame - even in this unrated version. Yes, you see pubic hair and pert breasts. But that's all. Director John Bacchus lingers on the svelte female curves of Caine and her co-stars Jackie Stevens and Molly Heartbreaker for what seems like forever, but the end result is not titillating: it's boring.

One good thing: the film is short.

Seduction Cinema's 2 disc offering is a characteristically good effort.

Disc 1 provides the uncut film in a nice anamorphic 1.78:1 transfer. Images are bold and sharp, with good strong colours to boast of.

The English 2.0 audio track holds up well, and is free from hiss or dropouts.

Although there is no scene-selection menu, the film can be remote-accessed via 14 chapters.

Extras on disc 1 include the following:

Seven bonus loops (some of which are featured in SECRET DESIRES). These are TUESDAE, MID 30'S BLONDE, CUTE REDHEAD, BLONDE TIGRESS, A PRIVATE AFFAIR, TALL DRINK BLONDE and HEAVENLY BODIES.

You can probably gather from those titles that there's no plot involved here - each film, averaging around 10 minutes in length, offers exactly what it's title suggests. All seven films are in colour, and all with the exception of HEAVENLY BODIES and A PRIVATE AFFAIR seem to be genuine vintage footage. The latter two look a little too modern in comparison …

All are very tame affairs, with only HEAVENLY BODIES offering explicit detail. Even then, it's hardly what you'd call hardcore. The loops can be accessed individually, or by way of a "Play All" selection. They last for 57 minutes in total.

Next is 5 minutes if behind-the-scenes footage which shows that the makers of SECRET DESIRES had a good time making it, even if the viewer doesn't have much fun watching the end result.

Finally, there's nine trailers for Seduction films, including the likes of THE SEXPERTS and AN EROTIC WEREWOLF IN LONDON …

Disc 2 is actually an audio CD featuring SECRET DESIRES' soundtrack, by The Taint. It's "mood" music that verges occasionally on being psychedelic. Ultimately it's even duller listening to this without the accompaniment of Darian Caine cavorting to it in the nude.

The first three tracks are by Shock-O-Rama regulars Trigger Finger. Then it gets really repetitive with The Taint's efforts …

I hate to be down on SECRET DESIRES. Seduction Cimena always make an effort with their discs and this case is no exception. But the film is simply tedious …

Review by Stu Willis