PENTATHLON

A text introduction handily explains to us that a pentathlon is a five-sport event in the Olympics, created in 1896 to make best use of soldiers’ skills.

Then we’re in Germany, and specifically a tough academy concentrated on rearing young lads into becoming prime Olympic candidates. The coach there, Mueller (David Soul), is particularly hard on young under-achiever Eric - "he failed to be the best, therefore he failed the German democratic republic". Wowsers.

Fast-forward to Seoul, 1988. Eric (Dolph Lundgren) is now grown-up and competing in the Olympic pentathlon event. Shooting, swimming, cross-country running … Eric has become highly adept at them all. He still looks gay in a pair of tight trunks though.

It turns out that Mueller’s there too, and is still on Eric’s back after all these years. He wants Eric to cheat by taking drugs. Eric won’t play ball, and wins the gold anyway – but still has "secret policeman" Mueller following his every move.

It’s enough to make Eric want to bunk out of the Olympic village and smuggle himself to America to start a new life. And so, that’s precisely what he does.

By the time we reach November 1989 we’re in Los Angeles and Eric is living a secret life there, albeit things haven’t turned out as well as he’d hoped. At least no-one recognises him as the Olympic gold medallist from a year earlier. Still, things start to look up for him when he meets and falls for pretty Julia (Renee Coleman).

But then Mueller turns up in America and Eric has to turn his back on flipping burgers, give up his boozing, watching TV constantly and chain-smoking, and fight for his rights once more.

Though PENTATHLON dallies lightly with political subtext, this is soon forsaken in favour of conventional action movie thrills. Make no mistake: this film is as hollow, superficial and fundamentally dumb as any other straight-to-video actioner from the early 1990s (1994, in this instance).

I’d surmise that the Olympic thread in the plot is less about exposing Eric to a land of freedom, and more about establishing him as a horse-riding, muscle-bound crack-shot who’s not to be fucked with.

What’s not to love about this strangely compelling, utterly atrocious film? Eric’s escape from the Olympic village, complete with fake American accent, is pure comedy gold. It’s almost surpassed by Soul’s hilarious take on a German accent. Lundgren’s portrayal of a drunk almost made me piss myself. The sub-Jan Hammer / Mike Post score even seems to have a life of its own, raising titters to complement the silly choreography in all of the action set-pieces. Oh, and then there’s the priceless dialogue … The cinematography is poor, failing to capitalise upon some great locations, and the performances are dire throughout. But this is quick, brainless action (from a screenplay penned by no less than three people!) and as such isn’t really required to be aesthetically tantalising or filled with Oscar-worthy turns. In fact, in a peculiar way, I’d argue that it’s all the better for its (many) shortcomings. This is FUN. Bruce Malmuth directs, bless him, and his film is nothing if not taut. It does entertain, though I can’t decide whether it’s meant to be a comedy or not. I presume not, but it sure is funny. Malmuth is most famous for the Stallone/Hauer gem NIGHTHAWKS, and later went on to make the Segal vehicle HARD TO KILL … think somewhere between the two (much closer to the latter), and you’ll have a fairly good idea of PENTATHLON’s qualities …

And, yes, that is Roger E Moseley (TC from "Magnum PI") playing Eric’s boss in the burger bar!

Anchor Bay UK’s blu-ray disc is region B encoded. It presents the film, uncut, in an MPEG4-AVC file that utilises the full HD resolution capabilities of 1080p. Colours are strong and the texture is extremely film-like in this rather faithful transfer. It’s not the sharpest rendition and certainly never approaches what you’d call reference quality, but it’s a marked step up from the VHS version I’d previously been familiar with. The film is presented in its original 1.85:1 aspect ratio and is 16x9 enhanced.

English audio fares well in both 2.0 stereo and 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio mixes. Evenly balanced between channels and satisfyingly meaty in all the right places, it’s fair to say that the film’s audio playback is this disc’s strongest point.

The disc’s animated main menu page features pop-up menus, including a scene-selection menu allowing access to PENTATHLON via 12 chapters.

The only bonus feature on offer is the film’s original trailer, presented here in window-boxed form. It runs for 2 minutes and 20 seconds. Considering how gracious Lundgren was while participating in the Arrow and Synapse releases of RED SCORPION recently, it’s a shame Anchor Bay didn’t seek his involvement here.

PENTATHLON is well-known for being a bad film. But it’s bad in a way that’s entertaining to watch. And that, to me, makes it worthy of an ironic recommendation.

Review by Stuart Willis