PARANORMAL ENTITY

'Prepare to see the actual footage of the supernatural events leading to the 2008 "murder" of Samantha Finley'.

So reads the press release that came with this shameless (and exceedingly quick) cash-in on Oren Peli's bafflingly popular PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - this century's answer to THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

Okay, so PARANORMAL ENTITY is a brisk knock-off of a surprise box office hit. We can all deduce that. Even the cover rips off Peli's shit-fest with no trace of either guilt or apology.

But did you also know that its star, writer and director is Shane Van Dyke - grandson of Dick (MARY POPPINS; CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG) and son of ... gasp ... Barry (Detective Steve Sloan in the guiltily enjoyable "Diagnosis: Murder" series, alongside Dick)? I don't know about you, but that had me instantly itching to see this - in much the same way that women apparently try out anal sex at least once in their lifetime, just to see if it's "as painful as people say"...

The film opens with a black screen and the text "October 25th, Recorded 911 call, 4:35am". We hear a frantic Thomas (Van Dyke) telling the operator that his mother and sister Samantha (Erin Marie Hogan) have been killed.

Then we get the set-up, in text format: "Last fall, Thomas Finley was arrested for the rape and murder of his 19 year old sister, Samantha Finley. He was also charged with the murder of Edgar Lauren, a paranormal investigator. Thomas claimed that the victims were attacked by a demonic entity of unknown origin. Shortly after, he committed suicide while imprisoned. The following footage was found one year later, hidden in the family's attic. It is being shown to the public for the first time". So, fucking hell, the press release's claims are true! Aren't they?!

Then the film backtracks as we witness Thomas' homemade video footage of his family going about their everyday business in their home. Sister Samantha looks like Ricky Lake when she'd lost a bit of weight, while I was pleasantly surprised to see that mother Ellen was portrayed by Fia Perera (from Kevin J Lindenmuth's VAMPIRES AND OTHER STEREOTYPES - anyone else still got the Screen Edge videotape?!).

A shaky, handheld tour of the family home ensues, complete with Thomas' tiring narration. It's pretty monotonous stuff, the females of the family undertaking mundane chores while Thomas probes them about his dad's non-appearance at the new house. Ah, well, Ellen has something to tell about that ...

Divided into "Night 1", "Night 2" etc segments, PARANORMAL ENTITY runs through the clichés of "captured on tape" phenomenon for 80-odd minutes as the spooky stuff starts to occur (unexplained scribing on furniture; bumps in the night, etc), introducing Edgar (Norman Saleet) in the meantime for added amateur dramatics.

By "Night 16" you may well be despairing. Where are the ideas? The energy? The horror?

Lord, this film is crap. Not by fault of the actors - certainly not Perera and Hogan, anyhow - as they deliver the goods as well as they can, given the hackneyed and rather plodding script. But it offers absolutely nothing to discern itself from the countless other films that over the last 15 years have purported to contain "genuine found footage" of people who have succumbed to supernatural designs. I mean, blimey, as if THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT wasn't annoying enough anyway, it's adding insult to injury when we keep getting these weak variants forced upon us.

What works in this film? Very little.

The female actors are game, and give better performances than their dialogue would suggest. Hogan has a nice pair of jugs. A couple of scenes towards the end do, admittedly, up the ante in terms of pace (which is terminable up until that point) and terror (no, it's not scary - but it at least attempts to be). I'm being kind: PARANORMAL ENTITY is almost without merit.

It's artless, at the end of the day. And it steals scenes from ACTIVITY without remorse.

However it also, to its credit, ventures out into vaguely different territory (well, there's a family concerned in this instance) but by-and-large its night-cam footage and bedroom 'scares' must surely have Peli & co considering lawsuits.

The irony being that I must confess that this is arguably more entertaining, more eventful than ACTIVITY - the final minutes do include a rather striking 5-second scene. That doesn't mean this is any way good though: ACTIVITY was shite.

At the end of the day, just be aware of what this is. It's another shot-on-digital cheapie from The Global Asylum - the folk behind films such as SNAKES ON A TRAIN and THE DA VINCI TREASURE.

Anchor Bay UK's disc presents the film uncut in a reasonable 2.35:1 transfer, which has been enhanced for 16x9 TV sets. Colours are muted and blacks sometimes waver during night scenes, though this is not unusual for a shot-on-digital production. At least we don't have to suffer from grain or artefacting.

English audio is presented in 2.0 and is pretty decent throughout. Subtitles are not necessary as they've been enforced at key points (telephone calls etc). Just like they were by the makers of ACTIVITY, oddly enough ...

The animated main menu page leads into a static scene-selection menu that allows access to the main feature via 12 chapters over the course of three pages.

There are no extras. I can't dispute that really ... they would only have served to prolong the viewer's agony further.

Anchor Bay have provided a cheap disc for a cheap film, attempting without shame to capitalise on the success of an almost equally cheap and worthless mainstream crossover. This particular film is preposterous, even down to its 80s-style "Warning: Contains violent and disturbing images" disclaimer on the front cover. Which, if you're a seasoned horror fan, is not to be heeded.

Despite being arguably more fun than the film that it's ripping off (I'm sorry, I hated every second of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY), I have to maintain that this is worthless. You don't even get to see Van Dyke (which at least would've made it morbidly fascinating), so I feel that in that respect my pooh-pipe was pierced for no good reason. I've been cheated and now I feel violated.

A shit film on a vanilla disc. Don't be fooled. Avoid.

Review by Stuart Willis