ONE-EYED MONSTER

ONE-EYED MONSTER opens with ten people travelling on a private bus into the snowy American mountains to shoot a porno film. On the back of the bus, porn veterans Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart (playing themselves) try to educate their naive and surly younger cast members.

When they reach their log cabin destination, the grizzled bus driver (Frank Noel) says he'll be back for them in a week's time - so long as the roads don't get snowed in. If they need anything, he advises that a Vietnam veteran loner by the name of Mohtz (the one and only Charles Napier) lives in the hills, and the army sometimes frequent the area on exercises.

The attractive porno cast - and Jeremy - settle in to their cabin rooms and start getting ready for their shoot, blissfully unaware of the radio broadcast in the background warning of something weird seen floating in the sky ...

For a short while the most on these bozos minds is cute crushes on each other, preparing for various scenes (one actress has a failsafe method for getting through "ass licking" scenes) and so on. There's even time for Ron to show his human side in a tender scene where he cheers the dejected Veronica up, ensuring her she's not too old to make the porno grade and encouraging her to persuade director Jim (Jeff Denton) into giving her a part in the film. Which she does, with the aid of her amazing vaginal muscles.

Meanwhile computer geek TJ (Ed Burns-lookalike Caleb Mayo), a crewmember on the shoot, is busy perfecting his latest invention - a simulator that can be programmed to emulate sex with any celebrity, in any chosen orifice. Nice-but-dim actor Lance (Bart Fletcher) tests it out, by choosing "Paris Hilton, in the mouth". The results are highly impressive.

Later that evening Jim calls Ron and Veronica into the living room to shoot their first sex scene.

The aging Ron needs time to get his dick hard, however, and goes outside for a little fresh air. While outside, Ron's hit by what he believes to be a shooting star. When he returns indoors, he gives Veronica such a good shagging that they both wind up unconscious. Even worse, Ron's dick is missing!

Ron's declared dead, much to Jim's chagrin. But things are only going to get a whole lot worse for the survivors, as they play back the footage they've just shot and realise Ron's dick got up and walked away by itself ...

Actress Angel (Carmen Hart) becomes the first casualty of Ron's disembodied cock, and when the rest of the group find her with a hole through her head, panic sets in. With no transport, no phone lines and no signals on their mobile phones, things are made worse by the fact that a blizzard has made travelling on foot impossible.

While Jim barks at everyone, cameraman Jonah (Jason Graham) begins to take charge of the situation. But can the survivors escape the evil dick, even with the help of Mohtz, who turns up in the night? Well, they do have an axe in the shed, and there's always TJ's simulator which they may be able to use as bait ...

Silly and puerile, ONE-EYED MONSTER makes no apologies for being unflinchingly daft. It's played in a surprisingly deadpan manner though, thankfully eschewing the OTT delivery of, say, a Troma film. Performances are straight, even when delivering the most preposterous lines of dialogue.

Speaking of which, the script is ripe with gags. Most of them work, veering between clever irony and double-entendres. There's a nice line in snappy one-liners that surely only the most cynical viewer wouldn't eventually warm to. Also, it's great to see Jeremy so game to poke fun at himself. Jokes about his age and weight are taken on the chin, and I particularly enjoyed the scene where Jim asks Ron to remove his sweater, only for the naked Ron to indignantly pipe up "I'm not wearing a sweater".

When the action begins, director Adam Fields shows a deft hand. He manages the shift between crude comedy and crude horror well, keeping the gags coming but heightening the tension just enough for things to work.

FX are of the cheap and cheesy variety, and the film holds back on the gore a little more than I'd anticipated. But the numerous builds to the set-piece scenes are handled well, with straight performances and stirring music - again, from Fields - helping to elicit suspense.

The film's not a classic, and the characters aren't particularly memorable. But if it's throwaway fun with some decent gags, a novel concept and an amiable turn from Jeremy that you're after, then look no further.

An enjoyable folly, best suited to party viewings.

The film is presented uncut in anamorphic 1.78:1, and looks just great. Pin-sharp, colourful and clean throughout, it's a lovely transfer - sometimes too lovely, as Jeremy is the prettiest of screen presences!

English audio is provided in 2.0 and 5.1 mixes. Both are clear and well-balanced, while the latter does a reasonable job of beefing out the bass.

The animated main menu page is a very colourful proposition indeed, and complemented by an upbeat punk tune. The first thing that tickled me was the onscreen cursor - fashioned in the form of a luminous green hard-on.

The static scene-selection menu allows access to the main feature via 12 chapters.

Extras begin with an exclusive interview with Jeremy, where he reveals how he became involved with the film many years ago (2001) and that the film was originally going to be called RON JEREMY'S DICK (!). The entertaining interviewee talks enthusiastically about ONE-EYED MONSTER, along with the 1100+ films he's been in - including the 200-or-so "regular" films he's appeared in (SPUN, ORGASMO, KILLING ZOE etc). This engaging and amusing shot-on-video interview runs for an entertaining 23 minutes.

Next up is a career retrospective entitled "Going Deep: A Look Back With Ron Jeremy & Veronica Hart". Interestingly, Jeremy reckons he's done over 2000 films here. No matter, this is a great chat between the two veteran adult movie stars, bickering and joking across a dining room table. There are some fascinating anecdotes that need to be heard, and lots of familiar names get mentioned throughout: Fred Lincoln, John Holmes, Seka, Ginger Lynn etc. It's great when Jeremy reminisces over the first time he had sex with Hart, much to her embarrassment.

Overall this 36-minute featurette is pretty much worth the disc's asking price alone. Also, it's great that it's bookended by a vintage scene from the 1981 film A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.

"Confessions Of A Dick Wrangler" is a 7-minute featurette on Harvey London, the man behind the monster cock. Just don't call him a puppeteer, because he doesn't like that.

Finally there's the fun original trailer, which clocks in at 2-and-a-half minutes.

The disc opens with trailers for SHUTTLE, MANHUNT and BLOOD BROTHERS.

ONE-EYED MONSTER is a decent if daft film that benefits from tight direction, nice cinematography and spirited performances. Graham shows he has the charisma of a future star, while Hart and Jeremy are a pleasure in their self-effacing roles. Worth a look. And porn aficionados will love this disc, if only for that wonderful featurette with Hart and Jeremy.

Review by Stuart Willis