NUDE IN DRACULA'S CASTLE

Secret Key Motion Pictures' latest offering proffers a whopping 5 hours of vintage 8mm loops over 2 discs...

These loops, the type that would be shown in American peep shows and arcades in the 1960s, certainly are vintage stuff. Many of them are devoid of titles or credits, which has led Secret Key to take the welcome liberty of naming these obscure homemade relics for our benefit.

So without further ado, here's what disc 1 has to offer...

The fun, if that's what we're being forced to call it, begins with the 7-minute oddity "Nude In Dracula's Castle".

Shot in gritty black-and-white, this faded curiosity is perhaps most notable for the inclusion of June Palmer, the British model and actress who also featured in bawdy films such as ON THE GAME and NOT TONIGHT, DARLING (as well as appearing in a non-credited role as a prostitute in TASTE THE BLOOD OF DRACULA).

Here, she portrays a young lady who arrives at a creepy old house and is met at the door by a sinister-looking butler. He beckons her in and she makes her way to a bedroom where she prepares for kip. Which, naturally, involves her disrobing. Nice body.

Presumably kept awake by bumps in the night (the soundtrack gives nothing away), Palmer then begins to wander furtively around the dimly lit corridors of the house - with next to nothing on, obviously - where she is continually encountered by a lurking Dracula figure.

Strangely stylish in a manner that recalls CARNIVAL OF SOULS (no, really), this is a quietly engaging affair that stands out from the other offerings in this set purely because it has a semblance of a plot.

From there, disc one continues to drag us through one several-minute loop to the next, all distinguished by new title cards at the beginning, bearing titles such as "Lusty And Young" and "Spunky And Loving It".

In truth, these are incredibly tame and plotless exercises, all of which soon become boring and hard to differentiate from one another. Basically a succession of monochrome films (all but one - BEACHED MERMAID - are in black-and-white) documenting homely women stripping on beds for the camera, this is neither art nor entertainment. In fact, calling the majority of it 'erotica' is a stretch.

Having said that, the women are occasionally cute in that dated, 60s style (some good hourglass figures and natural breasts, complemented by many a hairy bush) and a couple of them are even graced with killer smiles.

Perhaps the highlight of disc one, if you will, is "Innocent And Willing", which boasts a cute blonde sucking her own tits and spreading her puss-flaps apart to finger what's in-between for us...

Disc one opens with a static main menu page, from which you can choose "Play" to play all 22 loops as one endurance-sapping marathon, or opt for "Loop Selection" which takes you to an animated menu allowing access to each short individually.

Disc two opens with the same static main menu page, and a very similar animated "Loop Selection" option. This offers access to 12 more largely interchangeable loops from the 50s and 60s, the best one being the slightly barmy THE SHAVE.

THE SHAVE is presented in colour (aside from BLONDE SWINGER, the rest are in black-and-white) and details a demure young thing shaving off her pubic hairs before playing with herself. Cute.

After that, the remaining loops veer back to the dull stuff that made up the bulk of disc one...

Each of the loops contained in this exhaustive set is presented in 1.33:1 full frame, which will be more or less true to their origins. Either way, these are five-minute striptease acts shot by amateurs in their bedrooms - anyone looking at the framing, lighting etc is severely missing the point.

Picture quality is understandably battered and worn for the most part. As stated above, most of the loops are in monochrome, while a couple suddenly surprise the viewer with flashes of faded colour. Still, it's all clear and bright enough to be consistently watchable, with the copious specks and dirt on the prints used just adding to the vintage smut ethos.

Audio is presented in 2.0 mono, and consists largely of cheesy music added to the silent shorts by the folk at Secret Key. Occasionally a loop will pop up with it's own original audio, but dialogue is virtually non-existent and the scores employed throughout sound clean enough while unremarkable.

The only on-disc extras appear on disc two, in the form of trailers for a batch of other Secret Key titles: PUNK ROCK/PLEASURE PALACE, SWINGING IN THE 70S, GRINDHOUSE TRASH COLLECTION, GRINDHOUSE TRASH 3 COLLECTION, SKIN IN THE 50S, SKIN IN THE 60S, GRINDHOUSE GIRLS OF THE 1970S and DEEP THROAT COMEDY COLLECTION.

Even after all this time, The Secret Key Collector (no doubt a close relation to The After Hours Collector ...) manages to remain successfully anonymous for some entertaining liner notes in the always-welcome 8-page booklet, complete with the occasional screen grab for added attraction.

The ladies contained herein are affable enough sorts, and anyone with a penchant for the more "natural" woman will find something nice on the eye contained within. But 5 hours of women stripping off on their respective beds - with no porn or even softcore sex to follow - is mind-numbing stuff to all but the kinkiest consumer.

Review by Stuart Willis