NAUGHTY NOVELIST

Breasts. Bottoms. Shaven havens. Women groping each other and going down on one another. THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST achieves the incredible by making all of the above seem tedious.

It opens in typical fashion with a soft-focus montage of women lathering each other up while a throbbing electric piano tune plays.

Then Darian (Darian Caine) arrives home one afternoon and strips off, needlessly changing into fishnet stockings and skimpy black dress before looking through the newspaper for job vacancies.

She picks up the phone and rings in response to a "Writer wanted" advertisement, accepting the offer of an impromptu interview. Off she scoots to an unconvincing magazine office, the headquarters of "Flesh For Fantasy Productions", where she meets potential boss AJ (AJ Khan).

When Darian realises the magazine specialises in women's sexual fantasies as told from the female perspective, she apologises and tries to leave. But she's tempted back when she learns that all short stories are bought for $500 and that she can use a pseudonym, thus protecting her reputation should she ever fulfil her dream of becoming a serious journalist.

So Darian picks up the gauntlet and rushes home to try her hand at lesbian erotica. She starts banging away at her typewriter and suddenly we're there, witnessing her fantasy on the screen as two girlfriends practice oral sex on a banana before making out with each other in bed.

Darian's very pleased with her story and takes it to show AJ. AJ reads it at her office later and starts to undress as it arouses her - this is the precise moment her friend walks in and catches her fingering herself. Would it surprise you to learn that they end up in a lesbian clinch?

That night Darian can't sleep so she grabs her laptop and writes another short story - this time it's two girls taking a shower together, with an ice lolly in there to cool them down. Yep, more soft-lensed lesbianism!

The following morning Darian takes her latest story to AJ. She begins to read it but becomes so overwhelmed with desire that the two hotties finally get it on together. Midway through their session, however, Darian starts typing up yet another short story!

And so it goes on. And on and on. 84 minutes of really dull, tame lesbian encounters set to a monotonous score. Visuals are weak, framing is ugly and the linking frame is without direction or reason.

This leaves the viewer with the actual sex. There's plenty of flesh on view, and it's all nice and supple. Caine and Khan (especially Khan) are undeniably hot but then so are lots of adult stars these days - and at least they go the whole way.

These girls, and their filmmakers, are making soft sex in a time when it really is an outmoded commodity. Films as tame and directionless as this that stem from the 1070s just about get by on pure charm and nostalgia - perhaps they're bloopers from otherwise fine directors, or maybe they drum up interest because of the appearance of some tragic starlet (Mary Millington, for example). Perhaps they offer a novelty of being amusing? This digital dirge is simply tragic.

The film is presented uncut in 1.33:1. Images are purposely soft, with lots of shine and glow on flesh giving it a blurred effect. Colours are extremely faded and overall this is a very drab, diffused presentation.

The English 2.0 audio fares a little better, offering an even balance of audible playback.

Although there is no scene-selection menu, the film can be navigated through via 18 chapters.

Extras begin with three featurettes starring Caine: "Darian's Sex", "Darian Scene !" and "Darian Scene 2". Imagine the equivalent of old 16mm loops. Only shot on video. And minus any hardcore elements.

"Darian's Sex" is very straightforward: she pulls up on her driveway, retires into her house after a tough day, and caresses herself on the settee. All of which is set to 13 more minutes of mind-numbing lounge music.

"Darian Scene 1" and "Darian Scene 2" are extremely similar to one another, both employing the same makeshift bed with chequered spread in a room with breezeblocks for walls (someone's garage?). In each vignette, Caine seduces a woman on a bed ("you'll get a lot of money for this", she tells the first one). Different women, different nighties worn in each episode, but the same old shit regardless. "1" drags on for 12 minutes: "2" is slightly more tolerable at 9 minutes in length.

The only other extras on the disc are an insane amount of trailers. 21, in fact. Pick of the bunch (if such a thing exists) are THE EROTIC DIARY OF MISTY MUNDAE, and SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR LUST. Of course, one of the trailers remembers to be for NAUGHTY NOVELIST itself.

Khan's very appealing; Caine's not without considerable charm and the other women in this production all have their merits too. Of course. But this is weak, tame schoolboy wank fodder that belongs on cable TV prior to the hardcore watershed. In a word: insipid.

Review by Stuart Willis