MISTRESS OF THE APES

When I think of jungle horror, gut wrenching cannibal classics such as Ferox and Holocaust spring to mind. My penchant for extreme visceral violence sometimes means I overlook an interesting jungle based subgenre. Back in the late 1970’s, writer, director and self-proclaimed schlockmeister, Larry Buchanan (MARS NEEDS WOMEN, IT’S ALIVE) was ambitious enough to attempt a Tarzan-esque adventure with a truly exploitative twist. The result is the subject of a new DVD release from those purveyors bizarre and tacky cinema Cheezy Flicks.

We follow a gorgeous anthropologist named Susan (Jenny Neumann) after an incredibly quick recovery from the trauma of delivering a still born baby. Her miscarriage occurs after a routine hospital check-up goes horribly wrong when a trio of armed junkies break into the building and try and rob the place of its "heavy powder". The resulting shootout leaves a couple of cops bleeding to death from their necks – and Susan on the hospital floor.

But Susan has no time to convalesce as her photographer husband, Earl, is missing in action in the far reaches of the unchartered Congo jungle. The only clue they have to his possible whereabouts is the developed film from his recovered camera. The pictures reveal a clannish civilization of Neanderthal men. Blurred images of a "pronounced brow" are enough for her husband’s employer, magazine publisher and all round sleaze bag David Thurston (Walt Robin), to finance the overseas search.

Joined by Thurston’s wife Laura (Barbara Leigh), off they sail to Africa. Once there, it soon becomes apparent that Thurston has an ulterior motive. It appears he has not only funded the excursion, but had also previously paid a couple of unscrupulous poachers a few extra Dollars to eliminate Earl in the first place! Why such a hideous deed? Well Thurston wanted the luscious Susan all to himself of course!

But the ridiculously convoluted scheme to covert thy employees wife is merely one of the publisher’s dark secrets. While on the trip, the hard drinking, trigger happy repulsive Romeo goes all cuckold when he allows the aforementioned poachers to have their wicked way with his own wife against her will…

As the story meanders on, it’s not long before Susan comes face to face with this race of ‘missing links’. Luckily for her, the lone female of the tribe is taken out by Thurston’s faithful Remington 308 rifle early on, leaving the blonde anthropologist at the centre of the Ape Men’s worship. Her acceptance into the group is remarkably easy: suggestively eat a banana here, scratch your armpit there before make a few grunting noises while beating your chest and, voila, you’re in!

When the explorers clash with the original poachers, in-house bickering transcends into an all-out murderous rapefest and Susan has to decide whether to flee back home – or take up her new found position as MISTRESS OF THE APES…

Goodness me this one was hard work folks! Riddled with nonsensical dialogue and a ludicrous ‘plot’, MOTA is a real head scratcher from start to finish.

The absurdities of the narrative were perfectly epitomised in a scene during the final third of the movie. Just as my wandering mind was questioning why Buchanan had decided on the opening miscarriage tragedy, my inquisitiveness was rewarded when Susan found an abandoned baby in the jungle and lowered a milk filled bosom to the deserted tot’s lips. A cunning subplot if ever there was one! The fact we never see the baby again in the picture suggesting its death by starvation was merely delayed by an hour or so is irrelevant I guess!

I have in the past bemoaned the fact that Cheezy Flicks have taken cult classics such as the Ilsa legacy and not done the titles justice. But MOTA was cheesiness on a grand scale. This was exemplified by the scenes in which an assortment of stuffed toys was used to depict dangling animals in various states of entrapment. Then there was the infuriatingly repetitive soundtrack of ‘jungle noises’ that made you wish Thurston’s almost unhealthy obsession with his Remington 308 rifle would put that incessantly squawking bird on the fucking menu that night!

But for all the Z grade tomfoolery, there were still a few sequences that could be perceived as mildly offensive. Thurston’s amusement as he observes his own wife getting raped was a sobering contrast to the nonsensical narrative.

Even more unsettling than this was the core of the pictures title that fell just short of bestiality as Susan (willingly at least!) became the Apes Mistress in name AND nature… Curiously, no explanation is offered as to why the Neanderthal’s female contingent are conspicuously absent from the tribe!

The standout gory moment of the picture is undoubtedly the aftermath of the initial shoot out. A pair a cops lay strewn on the hospital floor in a pool of their own blood gushing from the bullet holes in their necks. Although it was admittedly a nasty sequence, it harked back to the golden days of 4th generation VHS cassettes whereby the picture is so dark the viewer can only imagine what is supposed to be going on.

These Cheezy Flicks reviews tend to have a ‘cut and paste’ element to them as AGAIN a poor quality print has been sourced. Featuring murky night-time visuals contrasting with overly bright and washed out daytimes scenes, the picture is reminiscent of an exhausted video tape. Also the 16:9 aspect ratio stated on the cover is incorrect as the disc features a 4:3 picture. As for the claim that the DVD is "NOT RATED" I suspect this is probably due to no one from the MPAA being able to muster the patience to endure the movie’s 85 minutes as oppose to any material within it being overly gratuitous.

The DVD has the usual 5 minute trailer real bolted on as a gesture for bonus material.

But I can’t end this piece without making reference to one of the zaniest theme songs in cinematic history that is played in its entirety in a key sequence. Lyrics such as "She went lookin' for a mate, but she didn't find a man, so she found herself an ape!" as Susan bonds with her new found flock was a real jaw dropper and made the other 80 minutes worth enduring!

Review by Marc Lissenburg