MEGA SNAKE

Ever had a turd that was painful to pass, but afterwards you realised there was a perverse pleasure to be had from it? Welcome to MEGA SNAKE.

"East Tennessee 1986", young brothers Les and Duff attend the local church with their parents. It's one of those freaky churches where the God-fearing folk dance with live snakes, believing they are safe in God's hands.

Yong Les is encouraged to take hold of a serpent, and reluctantly does so. But when the snake becomes aggressive his father quickly takes it from Les. Unfortunately the snake bites him and he falls to the ground convulsing. Les begs the surrounding adults to call for a doctor, but they refuse to, as they believe the snake is doing God's will. The father dies.

"20 years later". Les (Michael Shanks, TV's STARGATE) has grown into a snake-fearing ambulance driver. Of course. Duff (John T Woods, ZOMBIE STRIPPERS!) meanwhile has continued his parents' obsession with the good church - though aside from his religious beliefs, he doesn't seem to do much other than drink during the day. They both still live with their elderly mother on her chicken farm.

The dynamics of the script are such that Les is quickly established as the character we should emphasise with. Which is peculiar, as he's portrayed as a petulant immature mess who refuses to commit to his girlfriend Erin (Siri Baruc, SPLICED), and spends a platonic night on the piss with workmate Fay (Michal Yannai, UNTIL DEATH) when his partner threatens to find love in the arms of her cop sidekick, love rival Bo (Todd Jensen, ZODIAC KILLER).

Of course, Erin catches Fay and Les together the morning after and jumps to the wrong conclusion - which leads to more petulance and drinking.

But while our hero is going through belated teenaged angst, his brother is causing an altogether bigger problem. Duff visits local snake wrangler Screaming Hawk (Ben Cardinal, ONE DEAD INDIAN) to purchase a couple of serpents for the next church service. He requests two Carolina Pygmies, but his eye is drawn to a strange little snake swimming in a tightly concealed jar.

Screaming Hawk advises that the snake in the jar is supremely deadly - and has been known to wipe out entire villages of Indians. Duff scoffs at this, but becomes more intrigued as Screaming Hawk explains how the snake can grow to a considerable size and speaks of three golden rules to adhere to when in possession of it: never let it out of the jar, never feed it anything live and never fear the heart of a snake (I think that was the third one - it was hard to decipher the old coot's lingo despite a couple of rewind attempts).

Duff's curiosity gets the better of him and he begs Screaming Hawk to sell him the snake. But the aged Indian is adamant that it is not for sale. So Duff (the holy one, remember) steals the snake while Screaming Hawk is distracted by a telephone call.

Suffering from a hangover and a troubled lovelife, Les is suitably unimpressed when Duff shows him their new "pet". The brothers scuffle over whether the snake should be allowed in the house and, in the furore, the jar is knocked onto the kitchen floor and smashed. Duff manages to trap the snake in a basin, but not before Les has noticed it grow a little.

Hmm. There's one of the golden rules broken. It's not long before a second is trashed when the snake escapes from the basin in the dead of night and eats the family cat. Expanding at an alarming rate, the serpent slithers out of the house and into the neighbouring barn for a taste of chicken …

When Les finally stops obsessing about his calamitous relationship with Erin, he finally twigs that Duff has - quite literally - created a monster. By this time his mother has been killed and Duff has provided us with the (unintentional) comedy highlight of the film, with the huge snake cleverly ducking to hide behind him each time he gets the feeling he's being spied on while watching TV.

So, it's left to Les and Erin (yes, they make up … of course) to help save their town from the mega reptile. But Bo may prove to be a problem, as he locks Les up in the belief that he is responsible for killing his family …

Preposterous. It's hard not to be entertained by MEGA SNAKE though, as it wallows gleefully in it's own absurdity. The acting is merrily awful (although Jensen as Bo is a convincing shitball - it's fun to hate him) and the plot is utterly predictable. The script is rife with jaw-droppingly bad dumb dialogue. But there's a sense that the filmmakers know this, and have decided to just have fun with the lousy material anyway.

MEGA SNAKE is a very colourful film to look at (shot in Bulgaria), making good use of its sunny exteriors and green countryside locale. The keen bluegrass score helps set the scene. Fast-paced and attractively shot, these attributes help the film along with it's comic book-style unfolding.

The FX merit a special mention. They're diabolical - the snake gets funnier as it grows bigger. I've seen better CGI on children's TV. Honestly.

In short, if you enjoyed SHARK ATTACK 3 with John Barrowman as the lead (!) then you're sure to enjoy this (even though it doesn't offer as much bare flesh). Gloriously trashy.

The screener disc from Revolver is difficult to comment upon, as it's not indicative of the ones in shops.

The picture and audio quality were both very good indeed. The film was presented here in full-frame format and benefited from sharp images with deep, vivid colours. The English 2.0 audio offered a good loud, evenly balanced mix.

Being a timecoded screener disc, there were no extras or menus on offer here. The film could be navigated through by way of 8 chapters via the remote handset.

Ultimately I'd guess that MEGA SNAKE is destined for a regular 10pm slot on the Sci-Fi Channel. If you get the opportunity, I'd recommend a watch. Don't expect it to be good, but it's certain to raise a titter or two.

Review by Stuart Willis