MAIL ORDER BRIDE

Mail Order Bride, a triumphant modern spin on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, is the latest offering expunged from the carnal, perhaps maniacal, imagination of David Quitmeyer. Quitmeyer is both a well-renowned writer of horror stories and a skilled director of low-budget horror flicks. His monster-infested imagination, which brought us the horror-porno "Slaughter Disc" and the sexxxy Caroline Pierce in all her gory glory, is one that's unmistakably influenced by some of the greatest writers of terror this world has ever acknowledged. From the influence of Stephen King to Edgar Allan Poe, from H.P. Lovecraft to Clive Barker - the British master of terror - David Quitmeyer is a man who's adept at hammering out ideas of such overwhelming horror that it'll be an unpardonable sin to ignore Mail Order Bride, his latest masterpiece.

Mail Order Bride, a short film clocking in at 37 minutes, is a fantastic mixture of horror, comedy, sex, seductive stripping, and bloody murder. When these essential ingredients are blended together in one picture, you get a minute masterpiece that will remain a low budget classic for a long, long time. When settling down to watch Mail Order Bride and the sultry Caroline Pierce in all her mouth-watering splendour, I'd advise you to fill those wine glasses to the brim and prepare to have a great time. If you haven't seen Caroline Pierce before then you've missed a treat. Where have you been, damn you!

Now I can tell you right now that fans of Slaughter Disc might be slightly disappointed with this little film because there is no gory hardcore sex for us to sink our devouring teeth into. Damn! No pussy-humping and no phallus-teasing. We are, however, treated to some gore and the delicious Caroline Pierce exposing her voluptuous assets. If this film doesn't compel you into screaming 'hallelujah, Carnal Morgue,' then please give yourself a good slap! You should know taste when you see it and anything with Caroline Pierce is worth the price, even if that price means death!

The story of Mail Order Bride is based on the main character, Steve (Corey Foxx of Love Rites and Hallowed), and his unsuccessful attempts at landing a date with a hot girl. It appears that Steve, a successful computer programmer, is on the rebound and his online date-hunting is having a detrimental affect on his work schedule. After having a traumatic date with a transsexual, Steve decides to discard his attempts at finding a girlfriend and decides to rebuild his porn collection instead. Who says porn doesn't have its frigging benefits?

Steve later receives a phone call from his brother, Donald (Torey Foxx), who desperately wants the upcoming Dr. Phobia's All Night Fright Fest recorded because his video recorder is bust. It is during this phone call that Steve notices a late-night infomercial for the new PC-2000 (Personal Concubine), produced by Andromeda Industries. The PC-2000 is a life-like "love-doll" that promises to satisfy any sexual desire after playing it your favourite porn video. Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? In fact, the PC-2000 appears so life-like in the infomercial that it is impossible to regard it as anything but a human. Steve promises to record Dr. Phobia's All Night Fright Fest (hosted by none other than David Quitmeyer himself) for his brother and goes about acquiring a PC-2000 for himself. Steve signs up online and begins to design his very own PC-2000!

Steve is awakened the next morning by loud knocking on his front door. Steve opens the door and discerns a deliveryman with a coffin by his side. He then proceeds to drag the heavy coffin inside his apartment and is surprised to discover that his personal PC-2000 is lurking inside! However, Steve's dreams of superficial companionship with his Personal PC-2000 is shattered when he observes that his doll is nothing but a semi-decayed corpse crudely stitched together! But despite not being completely happy with the purchase, Steve decides to keep her - a decision he may later regret. As the PC-2000 takes up to 12 hours to charge, Steve plugs the Frankenstein-like beauty into the plug socket and goes to work for the day.

After coming home later that day, Steve discovers that his PC-2000 is fully charged with electricity and raring to go. Excited, Steve puts on his favourite striptease DVD and positions the programming goggles around the PC-2000's face. After the striptease DVD has finished, Steve orders the PC-2000 to perform exactly what she saw and he is staggered with learning capacity of his decayed love-doll. What ever the PC-2000 watches, she impersonates!

Things are all randy-dandy until the PC-2000 is accidentally shown a porn video that has the latter half of Dr. Phobia's All Night Fright Fest shown after all the sex. With such delights as Satanic Cheerleaders and bloody sacrifices being shown in bloody and graphic detail, the PC-2000 assimilates and stores all she has learned into her intricate database and has them ready for future impersonations.

Wait a minute. Didn't the PC-2000's instruction manual warn against exposing the PC-2000 to graphic violence and bloody horror?

Oh dear. It appears that it doesn't take much to turn the PC-2000 into a cold-hearted killer!

Mail Order Bride is a low-budget masterpiece that definitely needs placing in your horror film collection as soon as it's released on DVD. Although some might feel disheartened by the rather amateurish acting and otherwise over-the-top performances, the entire film itself doesn't come without providing a certain allurement and various comical performances. Mail Order Bride is low budget film, and for a low budget film it is definitely a keeper.

David Quitmeyer puts in a solid performance as the host of Dr. Phobia's All Night Fright Fest, and so does Caroline Pierce as the sexy Frankenstein love-doll. Pierce is a dazzling woman who has proven once again that she can act. Her make-up and all-round presence in Mail Order Bride was so impressive that it made her corpse-like appearance seem perversely erotic. Other performances, such as the Foxx brothers, are extremely over-the-top and borders on insanity at times, but these two characters supply a certain amount of humour that should tickle your funny bone. Mail Order Bride is all-round enjoyable film that is highly entertaining and incredibly sexy. I loved it and I'm sure you will, too.

Credit must also be given to Peter J. Gorritz for his excellent score.

Mail Order Bride was released via the independent film festival circuit in early 2006 and has been rewarded with stunning reviews. The film will hopefully be included in the Tales from the Carnal Morgue: Volume 1 DVD scheduled for release in early 2007. When the DVD is released I shall return with an extended review discussing the disc and delving into the other treasures that will be provided.

Until then, bookmark the Steelweb Studios website and stay sick!

Reviewed by Pryce