THE LUNAR PACK

THE LUNAR PACK

Prospective filmmakers take note - The Lunar Pack is a textbook example of how NOT to make a low-budget movie. Honestly, this is possibly the worst film I have ever had the misfortune to sit through. This is abysmal in every sense of the word.

The film is basically made of three shorts with a lycanthropic theme linked by introductions from Mistress Misty, played by Debbie Rochon (Debbie - what were you thinking??). The first story, Dark Rose: 700 Year Itch is mercifully short and tells the story of a woman taking vengeance on a bloodline of vampires. She tracks one down to her lair and transforms into a werewolf and they have a fight. The second story, Sheep's Clothing is about a husband who suspects his wife of having an affair and hires a private eye to observe her activities. It turns out that her surreptitious behaviour is down to the fact that she is trying to hide from her husband that she is, in fact, a werewolf. The final story, and the one boasting the best production values, is called Crying Wolf and weaves a tale of a man and his fiancée who are attacked by a werewolf. The man survives, but he has been bitten and hence cursed with the affliction of lycanthropy. With the onset of the next full moon phase, he surrenders himself to the local sheriff in a bid to be locked up, and so protecting others from what he is about to become. However, the sheriff is not all he appears to be…

As soon as the film opens you'd be forgiven for thinking that this was a children's TV programme that you'd inadvertently stumbled upon - yes, that's the kind of level of competency we're talking here. The premise of the stories might sound interesting, but believe me they're not. They're all as dull as dishwater. Even with the shortness of each segment, I was willing them to end. Watching this was the cinematic equivalent of the Chinese water torture. Though, to be fair, the make-up of the claw marks in the last story was pretty effective, I'll give them that. Overall though, this was awful, and highlights everything that's bad about low-budget filmmaking - actors who can't act giving unconvincing performances, awful make-up and FX, cringeworthy dialogue, bad scripting and ineptly directed. Seriously, avoid this at all costs; you have been warned! Director Jason Liquori should have a court order imposed on him prohibiting him from ever being in the vicinity of a film camera for the remainder of his natural life.

I apologise for being so harsh, but honestly, people really should make sure they have a talent for the craft before attempting to inflict their abominations on the rest of us. If this was just a hobby/fan film for the filmmaker's own amusement, then fair enough - but to try and pretend that this is a commercially viable enterprise is, quite frankly, laughable. I'm sure plenty of people will be suckered into thinking that they are about watch some amazing anthology movie about werewolves, but they'll soon discover the error of their ways!

Hocus Focus present the film in its presumably correct ratio of 4:3 and it doesn't look too hot. The image quality was just about satisfactory, but that's about it. The audio is a serviceable 2.0 stereo affair, but nothing special - and throughout the narration in the second story it sounded like he kept bumping into the microphone, which amused me for about 5 seconds, then got on my nerves. As for extras, there are some outtakes and a live video of some band called Supervillains playing a song called 'Robots from Hell'. I kind of liked the music video, but a better sound recording would have helped.

What more can I say? I wish I could say that I enjoyed the experience, but I didn't. I suppose it's nice that certain film fans want to emulate the genre they love so much by making films themselves - but this doesn't necessarily mean you are capable of doing so. Listen - I love sleeping, but I don't want to make beds for a living! I think you see where I'm coming from.

Final words - I wish Jason Liquori well and, being the kind and generous person that I am, I would certainly give him a second chance. But that's it, if your next project is as atrocious as this one, then I shan't watch any more. Life is too short to be tormented in this way.

Review by C J Otter


 
Released by Hocus Focus Productions
Region All NTSC
Not Rated
Extras : see main review
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