LONG WEEKEND

(A.k.a. NATURE'S GRAVE)

Attempting to repair their struggling marriage, Peter (Jim Caviezel) turns up at his estranged wife Carla's (Claudia Karvan) place to take her away for a long weekend at a remote beach. The idea is that they meet up with their old pal Luke.

From the offset the couple are bickering, and this only gets worse as their car journey with pet dog Cricket takes them on a weird route that finds them lost by the time darkness falls.

A brief stop at an outback bar enables director Jamie Blanks to crowbar in a cameo appearance from Robert Taylor, who featured prominently in the filmmaker's earlier STORM WARNING. And then the couple resume their journey, disrespecting the beautiful countryside on their way by mowing down a kangaroo, setting light to greenery with discarded cigarettes and so on.

They finally find a beach after taking a short-cut. There is no sign of Luke, which leads Carla to believe that Peter's led her to the wrong place.

After sleeping in their car overnight, the couple wake and are temporarily happy as they get their first glimpse of the gorgeous deserted beach in all its sun-kissed splendour. But the bickering soon starts again as Carla makes it clear that an outdoor vacation is not her idea of fun, especially when all Peter wants to do is shoot beer bottles with his Dad's rifle and ride the waves on his surfboard.

Peter continues to drink and smoke in-between swimming, while Carla whiles away her time by sunbathing. Their relationship becomes more and more detached, the couple eventually resigned to communicating only when they share concerns (like when they become convinced that ants are attacking them, or when Carla sees what she thinks is a shark in the water behind Peter).

The holiday grows steadily worse for the pair as they lose patience with one another and - to paraphrase the tell-tale one-liner from the DVD's front cover - Mother Nature unleashes her dark side onto them.

The 21st Century has given us far too many remakes of cult horror films. Every now and again they've been surprisingly decent (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE; MY BLOODY VALENTINE). But for the most part they've been soulless and pointless (THE EYE; IT'S ALIVE; THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT etc). Then there have been the ones that were unmitigated disasters - absolute stinkers such as THE FOG and Neil LaBute's uncharacteristically shite THE WICKER MAN.

Blanks' LONG WEEKEND, an update of Colin Eggleston's atmospheric 1978 chiller (the UK DVD review of which can be found in the SGM Movie Reviews link), is only marginally better than those latter two titles.

In it's favour, the film sticks closely to the original and benefits from Karl von Moller's wonderful cinematography. The widescreen lens is in love with the luscious Australian landscapes, so much so that at times this feels like a National Geographic documentary. It's a frequently beautiful-looking film.

However, the film has too many drawbacks. First off, and ironically, a big flaw is that the film sticks closely to the original. There are seldom changes to characters or storyline, and a film of this low-key nature doesn't require a major budget overhaul in terms of FX etc, so it's really difficult to understand the need for this remake to exist at all. Minor updates such as the inclusion of mobile telephones, a Sat Nav system and copious swearing are not enough to disguise the fact that this is an inane undertaking.

The two characters are not likeable. From the moment they open their mouths they are quarrelling, and neither is in the right. There's no-one to side with as both of these people are surly, disagreeable and distant.

Caviezel is not leading man material. His status in Hollywood has always baffled me and continues to do so after witnessing him ramble through LONG WEEKEND. He looks like Joe Dallesandro's long-lost cousin but has no charisma whatsoever and delivers a performance so boring that I became more focused on the paunch he's developed around his midriff since his skinny turn in Mel Gibson's overwrought THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST.

Karvan doesn't really do anything. Which is poor, considering the point of the film is supposedly to observe a couple at a time of emotional crisis. We get no true insight into either one's psyche at all. The only minor point of explanation we get is a dispute over why the couple never had kids. It's not enough.

The film is sorely lacking from a genre point of view too. Blanks throws in tired conventions like strange noises in the night and the odd jump-edit, but they're clumsily woven sparsely into Everett De Roche's plodding script (yes, he who wrote the original - which goes to show how important the director's interpretation of his work is). There is no escalation in pace, no sense of threat, no attempts at eliciting suspense. Honestly, if you thought the original was leisurely, Blanks' film positively crawls along.

Another thing that Blanks failed to improve upon is the obvious way in which the couple - specifically Peter - are disrespectful of nature. The emphasis on Peter mowing down the defenceless kangaroo, chucking beer bottles onto the beach and shooting at ducks is laughable.

Even more hysterical are the scenes where nature starts to have its revenge. The scene where Peter is attacked by a seagull rivals Nicolas Cage's run-in with angry bees in THE WICKER MAN remake. Even Caviezel is laughing.

Slow, devoid of tension and at times unintentionally funny, Blanks' LONG WEEKEND just drags on and on. As unbelievable as it may sound, URBAN LEGEND remains Blanks' most satisfying film to date.

Showbox Home Entertainment have at least given the film a good DVD. This 2-disc affair claims to be an "Ultimate Edition". Given that it's unlikely that demand for further versions of this film will arise, I'd wager that Showbox are being true to their word.

Disc one presents the film uncut in an attractive anamorphic 2.35:1 transfer. Daytime scenes are lovely, exhibiting very fine natural grain and bright clear images. Sharp, vibrant and solid, the transfer is proof positive that it is possible to polish a turd.

English audio is presented in 2.0 and 5.1 mixes. Both are adequate, although the fact that very little happens in the film makes it hard to appreciate a 5.1 mix that barely gets to flex its muscles.

An animated main menu page leads into a static scene-selection menu allowing access to the main feature via 22 chapters.

The only extras on disc one are the film's original trailer, plus trailers for six other Showbox titles including DARK RIDE and DEAD MAN'S CARDS (where Denzel from "Only Fools And Horses" plays a hard-nut bouncer!).

Over on disc two, we get a selection of earnest bonus material that gives a pretty good overview of how the film was made. If not why.

For starters, there is the "Director's Production Diary". This 40-minute featurette shows Blanks to be an intelligent and affable bloke, making me almost feel guilty for not liking his film.

From there there's a good 31-minute "Making Of" documentary that offers a decent mix of behind-the-scenes footage and on-location sound bites.

A 22-minute look into one character's death scene is involved and more interesting than the end product.

"Taming The Wild" concentrates on the animals that were used during the production, how they were handled and so on. Again, it's an agreeable 10-minute featurette.

A short deleted scene entitled "Jim and the Ducks" is of little consequence.

Finally there are some vanity interviews with Karvan, De Roche and Toby Eggleston - son of the original film's director.

All in all, Showbox have provided an excellent package for one of the weakest remakes yet.

Review by Stuart Willis