LESBIAN VAMPIRE WARRIORS

Like it or loathe it, ‘marketing’ and ‘distribution’ have always played a significant role in the Horror and Exploitation movie industries. Sensationally altering the title (with the objective of luring in a few more punters) was perfectly exemplified when 1978’s DAY OF THE WOMAN became I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. Although the monikers differ greatly, it could be argued they both fit the movie perfectly as one derives from the narrative, while the other captures the extreme atmosphere of the picture.

The DVD I am about to cover has also had its title changed for its UK DVD unveiling via the usually reliable Arrow Films. VAMPIRE WARRIORS is a 2010 Hong Kong offering from writer and director Dennis S.Y. Law and indeed these two words in white lettering, just below a trio of gorgeous Samurai sword wielding femme fatales, adorn the front cover of the UK disc. But this, it transpires, was deemed insufficient to stoke enough interest among us Brits. Alas the word LESBIAN has been duly affixed (in red lettering on the cover) and voila: LESBIAN VAMPIRE WARRIORS was born!

Of course I had no knowledge of this title bastardisation when removing the disc from its striking red plastic casing (Packaging is a facet of "marketing" I can appreciate by the way!). Anticipating some extreme Asian sex and gore shenanigans, I was a little disappointed to find the movie was deemed fit for ‘15 year olds’ by the BBFC. To balance this though, was the credit of "Action Choreographer" Nicky Li. Ok, so hopefully the picture is slick and sexy even if it isn’t overtly gory and explicit. Glass half full and all that...

The movie starts promisingly enough when a young foursome, fresh from an evening’s overindulgence on the booze, get into a little "dirty dancing". The lads soon find out the girls they have scored with are in fact...VAMPIRES! They appeared alarmingly into their male friends, but I was sure that was simply a façade to catch their prey. The girl on girl stuff would follow shortly no doubt.

Of course the life of a Vampire is never simple. There are those pesky Vampire Hunters for a start and one arrives on the scene just before the girls get to slurp on their human captives. Cue a frenzied kung fu style fight sequence. It’s the usual exaggerated, wire hauling stuff with assailants running up walls and ceilings before administering super human kicks that send their victims crashing through cemented brick partitions with ease. The hyperactive skirmish was actually great fun until a hand held metallic stake was drawn by the Lin (Yan Pui), the huntress. You see, these vamps are not the bleeding kind – they are the breed that, when staked, become a blur of charcoal coloured pixels instead of red wet blood. So if insipid CGI in place of any real gore justified the movies ‘15’ certificate, I am sure some inevitable ‘girl on girl’ stuff would make up for it in due course...

We then meet our characters, predominately Ar (Jiang Luxia), a female, vegetarian Vampire with some noble values. Basically, she only drinks animal blood (pig is particularly yummy!) because she doesn’t ‘crave the human spirit’. When not massacring the un-dead she see her life as mostly tedious until Mung (Yuen Wah) , a badass vampire with a penchant for guzzling blood (or should that be ‘digitized life force’?) of other vampires, enters the fray.

Mung, we learn, also gains their power when feeding his cannibalistic cravings and although it makes him stronger, it also requires regular doses to stop him weakening and vanishing. His malevolent presence means suddenly all the local vampires are under threat.

The movie’s pace is rather patchy. Elongated dialogue sequences (with an annoying robotic and electronic echo in the vampire’s voices) attempt to develop the characters but are interrupted with quick bursts of cable carrying and CGI ridden action sequences. To be fair Luxia’s elegantly lethal exertions are one of the few highlights of the picture, but all too often the movie overtly leans toward the supernaturally fantastic and is guilty being a little wasteful of her martial art talents.

There are some interesting conversations, such as the vampire’s desire to feel the simplest of pains such as headaches and heartburn; or the consumption of tomato ketchup just to ‘play with it in the mouth’. But all too often the slower scenes feel like padding until the next frantic brawl.

The narrative chases its tail a little in the final third of the movie and we are left with an overdue, but ultimately dull, final showdown that fails to surpass any of the previous fight scenes.

So what about the girl on girl covetousness you ask? Well, unless you count a couple of conversations between the girls ACCUSING each other of being Lesbians, there aren’t any. At least I learned the Chinese word for "lesbian" is indeed "lesbian", albeit in a Chinese accent!

The disc is in its native Chinese language and English subtitles are mandatory. The subs themselves are a distinct, yet subtle, white font which are clearly readable. The movie retains its original aspect ratio of 16x9 and the 2.0 stereo soundtrack is adequate. Although the audio was clear, I felt the fight scenes sounded a little blunt at times.

The disc also simply contains the movie with the menu screen offering "PLAY" and "SCENE SELECTION" options against the aforementioned front cover backdrop.

So folks, I am afraid you will have to search elsewhere for that crimson soaked scissor sister classic. I am just thankful that SUSPIRIA retained its original title and didn’t do the rounds as KILLER NAZI MUFF MUNCHING WITCHES! But I do hear the remake starts shooting later this year, so you never know….

Review by Marc Lissenburg