THE LAST HORROR MOVIE

"Stomps in the footsteps set by Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer. "Truly chilling; not for the squeamish". "Scarier than Blair Witch." "Scary and extremely violent". "Man Bites Dog with a Ring style punchline."

It seems that film critics are still as gullible, pathetic, and out-dated as they've ever been, if the afore-mentioned quotes are anything to go by. Admittedly, Hotdog and the Daily Star aren't exactly the bastions of quality British journalism. But you would hope that someone, somewhere, out of the numerous people working in the industry, might actually have the balls to say what they really think, rather than what the companies would prefer to hear.

So, it's down to websites like SexGoreMutants to give fans the real low-down on these movies; where we respect the fans, and refuse to let anyone tell us what is or is not good! Here, we tell it like it is!

The Last Horror Movie is mediocre. It's not scary! It's not particularly violent, and it isn't that chilling. Nor is it especially squeamish. In fact, calling this film mediocre might actually be a bit too generous. What we have here, is a film that starts out like a low-budget US horror flick, before the film cuts to a direct-to-camera shot, of a middle-aged man claiming he's recorded over the very film you've rented. But, that doesn't work, mainly because I watched this on DVD! Bang goes that trick!

Unlike "Henry…", this movie tries hard to con viewers into believing that they may be watching a video of real murders, set in London. Throughout the ten or so killings that we are shown, we are given the killer's views on why he does what he does, and whether we the audience have played a part in his evil scheme. And, thus, by that implication, we are just as sick as he is.

For me, the main problem is not the cast. It's that the story simply doesn't convince anyone that it's anything other than a fictional movie. The killer asks you if you really want to see how he killed a young couple. Are we sure, because it might be a little too disturbing for us to handle? Of course, we're sure! We've rented a frigging horror movie, for crying out loud!

Nothing he (the film) shows us, is particularly grim or nasty. We see a throat-slitting, people being tied-up and repeatedly stabbed; a man who gets clubbed to death with a brick, and one or two other killings, but there is nothing remotely savage about them. In all honesty, the killings are actually pretty tedious! The audience aren't shown any reasons to empathise with the prospective victims, or to cheer or loathe the murderer himself. With nobody to root for, you end up not caring who lives or dies! I actually found myself shouting at the screen, begging him to show me something really nasty!

The idea, partly stolen from "Henry…" and "Boy Meets Girl", plus a slew of other, superior movies, just never know in what direction it wants to go. I can see that it's desperately trying to condemn people who enjoy violent movies, and wants to question their morals, but it's done in such a haphazard way, that you don't give a damn who lives or not.

What made things worse, though, is that halfway through the short running time, I was laughing out loud, at the ineptness of the film! I was wetting myself at someone being clubbed to death! I cheered as some of the murderer's friends were eating a meal cooked from the flesh of one of his many victims. With that in mind, it doesn't surprise me that the film fails to scare or horrify people.

As the film was on a Rental DVD, there were no extras. The picture is adequate, and has been given the 16:9 enhancement. The sound is clear enough, with a simple, hiss-free Dolby 2.0 Stereo soundtrack. If anything, the picture and sound are too perfect, and hinder the film even more, edging the whole product closer and closer to a professionally made title, rather than a dubiously-filmed snuff movie.

In no way, can this film be anything more than loosely linked to "Henry…" or any other serial killer movie. It's too nice; too pristine; too pleasant to watch. Even the BBFC's warning that the film contains very strong language, is misguided, because there's two f-words and one c-word. This has less swearing in it, than most 12A movies do!

If you want a genuinely disturbing movie; one that really will wrench the seat right out from under you, rent or buy "Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer" instead. That film will at least get you thinking, and give you a few nightmares. "The Last Horror Movie" though, is more likely to make you feel quite cheery afterwards!

Review by "Pooch".