JOHN HOLMES BIGGEST AND BEST

John Curtis Estes was born 8th August 1944. Before he passed away 43 and half years later he achieved legendary status as the adult film industries very own ‘Cock God’. Better known as John C Holmes (along with the homonymic ‘Jonny Wadd’), he gained notoriety for his alleged 13 and a half inch penis.

His later pictures (especially 1980’s INSATIABLE) make for cringing viewing as cocaine induced impotency depicted the celluloid stud attempting throttle some blood into his bell end in an attempt achieve some form of erection. Not a pretty sight!

But before the drugs (and alleged links with the infamous ‘Wonderland murders’) Holmes performances confirmed why he was considered such a marvel of manliness. His meaty whopper can be seen in all its virile glory in yet another release from After Hours Cinema by means of the subtly titled JOHN HOLMES BIGGEST AND BEST DVD.

The disc features four "Rare and Unreleased" movies starring Big John. While the covers exaggerated claims of his performances inducing "quasi-religious" experiences in his female co-stars are a little unproven, there is still some classic XXX entertainment to be sought over this quad from Wadd.

First up is a 56 minute offering called STRANGERS WHEN WE MATE. The loose narrative is based around an advert placed in a local newspaper by a dubious character known as Dr Horace Freud.

The contentious medical man is offering bargain group sex for a real snatch of only $100 a head. Needless to say there is no shortage of takers that are naturally spread evenly over the two sexes. Yeah right! Studs and sluts arrive by the car load at the Dr’s mansion and the fun begins.

The actual print itself is notably clear for such an obscure find with scratches and blemishes in remarkably short supply. The audio is also relatively hiss free and pearls of dialogue such as "I need a man who can rattle my teeth when he fucks me" have a real clarity and sincerity about them!

Of course a young lady’s wishes cum true when she lays her eyes on a tall slim stud called Boyd (Holmes). After unzipping him she deduces "You must be from Texas" before attempting to devour and accommodate his monstrous love muscle.

The Dr is conspicuously absent from the shagfest but does return at the end to deliver a fire eating routine. Sadly he doesn’t have time to indulge a young lady’s request of "...singe the hairs on my cunt..." before the action ends. MY TONGUE IS QUICK is up next and the first thing of note is the rather absurd blotches on the print that look alarming like drops of sperm! Coincidence…? Maybe!

Holmes plays Nicky Butane, who also narrates. He runs a stud service for ladies in Hollywood who need a ‘gossip free fuck’ and is so good apparently they… ahem… "...pay through the cunt for it!" His sidekicks are the delicately named Thunder Balls and the ironically named, James Blonde. I mention that as JB is a brunette guy who "refuses to fuck any blonde because they scrape the skin of his cock like sandpaper". Okay....

Complemented by a stereotypical, yet mono, bluesy psychedelic soundtrack, this is the perfect example of why the phrase "Boom chikka wow wow" actually came into existence!

LADYS NEED COMPANIONS (49mins) is the third picture and this time Holmes tries his hand (and of course massive sceptre) at the role of a door to door salesman with a difference. But it’s not cleaning products he is peddling to these lonesome housewives; its sex toys. Again there is much hilarity in the dialogue as well as the usually either dimly or over lit shagging scenes but its Holmes again doing the business.

The final picture is the rather disappointing JONNYS SEX STORIES which basically is a collection of John Holmes scenes from other features. The idea isn’t too bad but when a significant amount of the run time is footage from the previously seen MY TONGUE IS QUICK it’s a bit of a pointless inclusion really. The highlight however is in the last segment featuring a barely recognisable Holmes due to a clichéd 1970s porno star fuzzy wig and moustache. (For the wig think Vincent Price in the camp hairdresser sequence from Theatre of Blood and for the ‘tash think ‘applied by Pritt stick’!)

Usually I wouldn’t advocate the purchasing porn on the strength of its MALE star but out of respect for a true legend (and Louis Theroux thankfully nowhere in sight) this is a great way to see John C Holmes in action before that pesky freebasing habit spiralled out of control!

Review by Marc Lissenburg