JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER

Hmmmm….I'm really not sure where to start with this one - Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a strange film indeed. Unfortunately, it's not very good either, and I'm struggling to find something positive to say about it, but I'm finding myself at a loss. I guess the only thing to do is to be completely honest then…

The film is a real mish-mash of concepts and half-arsed ideas. It basically tells the story of how Jesus (yes, the Jesus of the New Testament, not some Mexican peasant) has returned to earth and in human form to do battle with the hordes (make that one or two) of vampires that have become a plague on mankind (make that one or two). He first appears in his biblical garb - flowing robe, long hair - and is quickly taken in hand by his newly acquired female assistant and is 'modernised'. This modernisation involves a haircut, some new clothes and a couple of piercings. He is now ready to make war with the enemies of both God and mankind. 'How does he do this?' I hear you ask - with kung fu. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently our heavenly Lord acquired some martial arts skills along the way - and he uses these skills (though I use the term advisedly, as it's little more than the shaking of a leg or the waving of an arm) to dispatch his foes. That's about the whole plot, right there. Everything else is incidental - though I should mention that he picks up with Mexican wrestling hero El Santos midway through the film. There's also a couple of badly synched musical numbers thrown in for good measure, though the less said about them the better.

On paper this looks likes a hilarious idea and one that should bring lots of entertainment and laughter to the viewer. Unfortunately, it delivers neither and rapidly outstays its welcome. I cannot even begin to convey to you how awful this film is, it's not even in the 'so-bad-it's-good' category. This is just bad. I find it unbelievable that director Lee Gordon Demarbre actually thought that this was a good idea. Having said that - it's an idea that could've been a lot of fun, but Demarbre misses every mark and wastes every opportunity afforded him. His inept direction, the bad script and sub-par acting just creates an excruciatingly tedious viewing experience. Now I like trash movies, I really do - and I'm an avid fan of the Something Weird line of titles - but this film falls outside of those boundaries into that wasteland of films that have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I'm fully aware that it's an independent film and that they were working under the constraints of a low budget, but that doesn't excuse making a bad film - there are lots of low budget films that are truly excellent, but this isn't one of them. It's a shame really, as this could have been something truly inventive and unique.

The DVD is itself is very impressive, boasting a nice full-frame transfer (presumably this is correct) and also hosts over an hour of supplementary features. The extras include 40 minutes of interviews with the principal members of the cast and crew, 30 minutes of outtakes and deleted scenes, trailers and image galleries. It's a nice package overall - it's just a shame that the actual film is so lousy.

Review by C J Otter