IRON BABE

(A.k.a. THE INSATIABLE IRON BABE)

Horny Fark (Jackie Stevens) is the owner of Fark Industries, the world's leading purveyors of sex toys. We first meet the esteemed inventor/businesswoman in "Bacchustan, Eastern Europe", where's she travelled to host a presentation advertising her latest wares. Curiously, she's chosen to do this in the middle of the woods, to a motley bunch of a dozen or so oddballs.

The demonstration is cut short when terrorists lurking in the surrounding trees make their presence felt. A shootout ensues, complete with CGI planes and explosions. The terrorists, led by larger-than-life Abu Bu (Smoke Williams) make off with their intended hostage, Horny.

An extended flashback to "three months earlier" gives us a little more background info on Horny, and helps suggest why her abduction may have occurred. It begins with Horny enjoying energetic sex with her dumb boyfriend Jim (Duke Raynes), then setting off to the Pee-On-Body awards ceremony where she is to pick up a special gong.

On the way there though, Horny is accosted in the street by belligerent TV reporter Chesty (Sativa Verte), who berates her for "taking the humanity out of sex". Suggesting they discuss the matter back at her apartment, Horny takes Chesty home and the inevitable lesbian session follows.

Meanwhile we learn that Fark Industries' Vice President Obgyn Stain (Darian Caine) is struggling for success of her own. She has ideas for sex toys of her own invention, but they're just not catching on (I wonder why - broccoli flavoured underwear, flaccid dildos etc …).

Back in the present day and at the terrorists' den (a warehouse), Horny awakes to discover her crotch is glowing. Fellow hostage Titsen (Kerri Taylor) has removed bullets from Horney's heart by pulling them all into one spot beneath her skin with a large magnet. But she's mistaken Horny's vagina for her heart and this has resulted in glowing knickers. I admit it, I didn't understand this bit.

Abu Bu meets with Horny and Titsen and tells them he's the leader of the Political Correct Terrorist Network, whose motto is "terrorise without offending". He wants Horny to make a large atomic sex doll in twenty-four hours and leaves her to it. But the girls decide instead to make their escape (although, naturally, they find time to get it on with each other in an empty bar first).

Horny fashions a bullet-proof sex toy suit out of odds and sods found in the warehouse (a blow-up doll, a penis pump and some cardboard boxes). This enables the girls to escape from their captors. Parting ways, Horny bids Titsen farewell and makes her way back to home in New York.

Upon her return, Horny has several issues to deal with: her dim beau is now shagging her sexy assistant Private Parts (Andrea Jaxx); an emergency press conference is required for Horny to share her epiphany that sex should be between consenting adults, thus changing the nature of her inventions (no more pandering to the needs of sad lonely wankers); Obgyn needs chastising for commissioning her own terrible ideas in Horny's absence …

And of course, Horny's keen to find out who was really behind her abduction … and why.

On top of all that, Horny's also determined to build a superhero costume with the aide of her voluptuous friend Bumper Boobs (Violetta) and return to Bacchustan to settle the score in explosive style. But not before she's indulged in a few more lesbo trysts first …

IRON BABE is the latest ridiculous cash-in from Seduction Cinema, a painfully silly riff on IRON MAN to rival their previous Hollywood Blockbuster piss-takes such as KINKY KONG and LORD OF THE G-STRINGS.

It's briskly paced and frequently irreverent, with juvenile humour laced throughout that's certain to appeal to cheeky teenaged boys everywhere. Even the cast names are daft, giving you a fair idea of how the film is essentially a ruder, cruder (infinitely less classy) variation on the CARRY ON brand of comedy.

Performances are animated and everyone seems to be having a whale of a time. The fact that most players at some point or other stumble over their lines is oddly charming. Caine is reliable as ever though (if perhaps a little underused in this instance), while Stevens makes an impressive debut. Top honours go to Williams though, who takes the comedy crown as Abu Bu. I shamelessly admit to laughing out loud at a couple of his scenes - especially when he involuntarily receives a vibrator up his backside. Look out for 42nd Street Pete too, in a cameo at the press conference as a Fark Industries stakeholder.

The sex scenes are predictably soft and overlong. Although the camerawork in these scenes is unimaginative, the lighting and colour design are at least stylised. Ironically though, for a film that principally exists as a teenager trouser-botherer, it's the sex scenes that harm the film's fun tone the most. They make an otherwise chirpy and fast-moving movie terminally slow at times.

IRON BABE won't be remembered for it's tame moments of simulated sex. It's more likely to be recalled - if at all - for it's camp one-liners, spirited cast's comedy efforts and gleefully inept CGI action.

The film looks fine in a solid anamorphic 1.78:1 transfer. Colours are strong without bleeding and detail is sharp. Where the picture does go soft (the lesbian scenes), this is intentional.

The English 2.0 audio displayed no problems to report.

An animated main menu is nice and bright, making good use of Trigger Finger's enjoyably dramatic score. Although there's no scene-selection page, the film can be sped through by way of 15 chapters.

Extras begin with "Jackie Stevens On The Spot", a 17-minute featurette that interviews both Stevens (on a couch) and bimbo Alexia Moore, on a bed. Stevens seems to have a good head on her shoulders and comes across as a sincere, likeable type. Moore is an airhead who's all to keen to brag in an American whine about her lesbian experiences and love of being watched while getting humped. Still, she at least gets her puppies out at one point.

Then we get a 16-minute short entitled "Hot Property", in which Stevens portrays an estate agent showing Moore around a house. They get upstairs and you can guess what happens next. All in softcore-stylee, of course.

This is followed by two more stylishly lit but boringly tame shorts: "Bed Party" (3 minutes) and "Champagne Angel" (3 minutes). For both shorts, Stevens cavorts on a bed in skimpy nightwear. She's joined in the latter by the attractive Sabrina Faire.

Faire's also present in a 2-minute Stevens interview, conducted on a bed and interspersed with clips from films set to rock music.

Finally, there's the usual array of Seduction trailers. Among the 19 on offer are MUMMY RAIDER and MISTRESS FRANKENSTEIN.

As stupid as they come, you probably need to be 14 years old and drunk to best enjoy IRON BABE. But it is hard not to succumb at some point to its cheerful awfulness and high camp factor. Let it catch you on a good day …

Review by Stuart Willis