ILSA HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS

The last time I reviewed an ‘ILSA’ movie distributed by Cheezy Flicks I wasn’t overly impressed to say the least. Although the print quality was notably impressive, the obligation by the ‘powers that be’ to alleviate all nudity resulted in a patently truncated, and therefore highly unsatisfactory, edition of the movie.

That said, everyone deserves a second chance and the Cheddar-meisters are back, offering another dose of Ms Thorne in the form of ILSA, HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS.

I am fairly well acquainted with all things ILSA as I am sure a lot of you are, but here is a brief synopsis just in case.

Despite Ilsa’s first outing as the Schutzstaffel’s ‘She Wolf’ ending rather unfavourably, she at least had the guile to resist ripening and resurface in Arabia working for El Sharif as a sex slave broker. With me so far? Sehr Gut!

It seems the sex trafficking business had hit something of a lull and, as such, an infusion of quality was essential. A cunning plan was therefore construed, culminating in the kidnapping, sedating and importing of three examples of first-class female flesh! For a start there is the lone beneficiary and daughter of America’s supreme retail emperor. Then we have "the new Scandinavian love Goddess", i.e. a voluptuous female movie star. Last but not least is a ‘European Equestrian Champion’ (I assume her Gold Medal had TEAM GB chiselled into it!!).

But their seedy racket has not gone unnoticed. An American diplomat, Dr Kaiser (Eddie Charlie Roehm... you may remember him as playing the ‘General’ from ‘She Wolf of the SS’) and the all American hero, Commander Adam Scott ( Max Thayer) are in hot pursuit.

The bedlam that develops includes a whore auction that would have the proprietors of Ebay salivating, a makeup artiste whose scar covering prowess is akin to Savini in reverse, and some methods of torture that make Torquemada seem like a contender for the Nobel Peace Prize!

Well I will say this about Cheezy Flicks: They sure know how to ruin a great movie!

Their ‘Wicked Warden’ disc, while being heavily censored, at least exhibited a fine looking print. The same can’t be said about the OIL SHEIKS disc unfortunately.

The movies appearance is so shoddy; it looks like it has been sourced from a 2nd generation VHS tape. The cloudless azure skies are marred by horizontal pinkish distortion, while the sandy dunes have similar dancing blemishes flitting over them.

The grainy print is also hampered by significant darkening. So much so, some shadowy daytime scenes appear like they have been shot at night. As for the dimly lit bedroom scenes - Ilsa is going at it hammer and tongs is reduced to a murky silhouette of her platinum locks bobbing around.

While on the subject of the delectable Ms Thorne’s attributes, it would regrettably appear that some of the so called ‘Cheeze’ had indeed melted and dropped onto the reels due to a yellowy hue being present throughout! It’s criminal to see Thorne’s trademark peachy flesh, crimson lips and platinum locks all seemingly melded into mundane sallow banality.

To top it all off, the cover notes clearly affirm to a screen ratio of 16:9. What we actually get is a cropped 4:3 genially vintage television presentation.

Ok, so if the aesthetics of the disc fail miserably maybe, just maybe, it could appeal to some folk who wish to reminisce in the concept of swapping pristine quality for that elusive uncut version of a ‘video nasty’. Well if that small demographic are tuned in... Sorry but prepare to be sorely disappointed again!

Although the actually running time of the DVD is just over 91 minutes (NOT the 87 minutes AGAIN incorrectly stated on the cover) the print has still been subject to a good ole fashioned shredding!

Before I attempt to disclose what I found to be missing (for what it’s worth) the manner in which it was cut intriguingly differed greatly to the ‘Wicked Warden’ disc. Whereas the WW disc was relieved of all its full frontal nudity in favour of the violence, the opposite would appear to be true of the OIL SHIEKS disc. For example, I was pleasantly surprised when the chastity belts of the three new recruits were unlocked to reveal endearing heart shaped pubic mounds. Great! Unfortunately it was the violent sequences that were ironically hacked and disposed of.

OK here goes: Around 16 minutes in when Satin and Velvet deliver a death blow to their victim, the camera lingering over the victims’ bloodied face and screams has been removed. A few minutes later a few frames have been removed when a bag of body parts are emptied out the harem floor.

32 minutes in and in the "teeth removal scene", shots of blood dripping onto feet as the little white tootsies hit the floor have been purged. But these quaint trims are nothing compared to the vulgar display of bowdlerization that was to follow!

34 minutes in and a full sequence totalling around ONE MINUTE AND 11 SECONDS is completely expurgated. I am referring to the sadistic torture sequence in which a hapless whore’s breasts are clamped in a medieval style vice. Yes it is a nasty scene I admit. But we are not only denied the initial stalwart resistance the victim puts up before the excruciation becomes too much, but also some classic dialogue ( Thorne elucidates to the tormented sufferer exactly what will become of her in ILSA’s unique camped up Euro Trash panache) . Instead the CF disc simply cuts to the potential martyrs’ eventual disclosure thus denying the characters hard fought defiance.

More cuts predictably followed, such as missing shots of ants eating into flesh (37 minutes) followed by omitted shots of a gouged eye socket around the 59 minute mark. Needless to say the most infamous scene of the movie (and arguably the whole ILSA series) the exploding dildo sequence suffered numerous snips. Most notably Ilsa inciting the inevitable carnage with her demands of "faster" and "deeper" have been removed along with various shots of the victim’s moans of pleasure. Obviously the brief but potent shot of penetrated detonation itself simply skips to blood hitting for El Sharif’s face.

By time the, admittedly fully intact, ‘death by immolation’ sequence arrived (albeit in washed out quality) it was simply a case of too little too late to save this incompetent and disrespectful hatchet job I am afraid. I accept the reviews on websites such as SGM are ultimately subjective but the points presented in this somewhat scathing review are not personal opinions but attestable facts. I am a Horror fan NOT a critic.

Censored, cropped and pitiable quality versions may just about seem worthy of purchase if the movie is so rare there is no alternative. But when crisp, uncut editions complemented with commentary tracks and the like, are available elsewhere for a few more quid, discs like this (especially with the aforementioned disingenuous cover notes) are nigh impossible to recommend to fellow Horror aficionados.

Review by Marc Lissenburg