HOLLA IF I KILL YOU

Hollaback (Mike Troy Smith - aka "Brooklyn" Mike, from DEF COMEDY JAM) was once the biggest name in black comedy …

But, after some initial documentary-style footage shot on New York's 125th Street where various 'comic's describe the sinking feeling of getting booed during an act, we see Hollaback down on his luck, with nothing but memories of his former status to trade on.

His agent rings and offers Holla an opening slot for rival comic Michael Africa (Kareem Green). Holla is affronted - after all, it's not long since Africa used to open for him - but needs be, and the strapless comedian reluctantly accepts the gig.

Moments later, Holla receives a mysterious call from a black-gloved stranger who sounds like CANDYMAN, warning that Holla had better get some decent material sorted if he's going to succeed - and to watch himself, or he might just "Die laughing" …

Then comes the first murder scene - the club's cleaner (Jay Phillips) is subjected to a pretty useless decapitation-by-axe.

This is all before the opening credits (set to that horrible funky type of music that punctuates time lapses in SEINFELD etc).

After a disastrous turn supporting Africa, Holla is witnessed engaging in a bitter backstage war of words with his rival comic. That night, Africa is stabbed in the throat.

Another day, another terrible performance by Holla at the Wanna Laugh club. A female heckler is accosted by our black-gloved fiend outside the club and takes a hatchet to the neck.

Naturally the close-knit community of comedy club regulars (and Holla's girlfriend Rose) begin to suspect that Holla is prepared to do ANYTHING to put his career back on track.

So, the scene has been set. Who is the mystery caller intent on murdering anyone who gets in the way of Holla rejuvenating his ailing career? Will Holla make it to the top unscathed by events? Will comedy opening act EnerGee (Wil Slyvince) ever make it to a higher placing on the Wanna Laugh bill??

Who cares?

As Holla lies on his couch - a lot - dreaming of making it to LA and breaking big once more into the world of comedy, and the murderer keeps threatening to stick an axe in the lead's head (please!), the movie is barely watchable - and punctuated by frequent excursions to the Wanna Laugh club where we're forced to endure some of the most unfunny stand-up comedy EVER committed to film.

The cast are presumably meant to be suspects, so as to qualify this as the "whodunit" it purports to be - which at least would give you some reason for staying with this mess till the bitter end. But as soon as potential suspects are introduced, they're murdered shortly afterwards!

And, let's face it, anyone who hasn't fathomed the 'twist' within the film's first fifteen minutes really needs to pay more attention!

Shot on video and relying largely on natural lighting, HOLLA IF I KILL YOU is often grainy in presentation, and looks as cheap as it undoubtedly was to make - thanks to the largely unimaginative direction of brothers Mark and John Polonia (THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMED 1 & 2; AMONG US etc).

The music is horrible - lots of old-fashioned mid-80s Public Enemy-style sound bites and that aforementioned funky tripe that sounds similarly dated.

The acting leaves a lot to be desired too. Almost all of the performances on offer are terrible. Wait, that makes it sound like there's the odd good performance to speak of … there isn't.

But all of this would be forgivable if there was a decent idea and halfway acceptable script to be thankful for. Just one moment of inspiration would do … I appreciate the time and effort that goes into making even the most micro-budgeted film: using amateur actors and relying on digital cameras for cost-cutting purposes is something I can look beyond - but HOLLA IF I KILL YOU is remarkable in the way it fails on every level.

As a horror film, it is devoid of tension or suspense. There is no element of mystery regarding the identity of the killer. The gore scenes are incompetent, but that's not entirely the fault of FX artist J K Farlew. Axes to the head, bloody throat-slashings, gun-shots to the eye etc may sound like fun, but believe me when I say they couldn't have been filmed in a flatter manner if you'd tried.

As a comedy, well, what can I say? Amazingly, the cast largely comprises of "Def Comedy Jam and Comedy Central favourites" … all I can say to that your typical viewer of DCJ and CC must have a fucking awful sense of humour!

A turd that is impossible to recommend in any way. But the disc from Sub Rosa demonstrates how they continue to lead the way in releasing no-budget indie flicks and giving them the type of DVD packages that major studios would be proud of!

The film itself is presented in it's original full-frame ratio and looks fine. Yes, there are grainy scenes - but they are due to the video origins of the movie and not the transfer.

Audio-wise, you get the original 2.0 stereo soundtrack and that is highly serviceable - though notably quieter than the audio on the extras. No complaints; no big revelations.

Static menu pages offer access to 12 chapters, and a wealth of extras that are more interesting than the main feature.

The directors are present for an audio commentary track that, having watched the onscreen interviews with them (see below) I'm sure is very concise and full of interesting tips on how to make a zero-budget slasher film … badly. I started the commentary and it did sound fairly consistent - no pauses or anything else of concern - but to be honest I didn't relish watching the whole film again!

HOLLA IF YOU MADE A BLOOPER! Is a self-explanatory compilation of fuck-ups that mostly comprise of people forgetting their lines and/or giggling. 12 minutes in total length: probably funny to the cast and crew, but soon tiresome for everyone else.

HOLLA OUT LOUD! Interviews. Co-director John Polonia is first up, and hysterically he informs the camera that he wanted to model HOLLA on the Italian Giallo thrillers of the 70s!!! Well, you have the black-gloved killer and a couple of scenes where the camera pans across weapons in close-up (a'la DEEP RED) but … this is NOT a Giallo!! Brother Mark turns up with more info, mainly discussing how the cast came to be involved. 6 minutes.

HOLLA BLOODY MURDER! is a compendium of footage detailing how the bloody murder scenes were filmed. As if you'd be baffled as to how these Z-grade effects were achieved, the filmmakers have been gracious enough to reveal their tricks of the trade in this 12 minute featurette. Plenty of lame gore to be seen here.

There's a HOLLA PHOTO ALBUM which is, of course, a photo gallery of behind the scenes footage. It's set to a dreadful rap song and unfortunately cannot be navigated through via your remote control. Just sit back and relax for 4 minutes …

Finally, don't forget the old faithfuls: a brief text history of Sub Rosa Studios, and several preview trailers for their DVD product (which here includes SAVAGE HARVEST; THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMED 1 & 2; INSANIAC; THE UNDERTOW and more).

An awful film then, utterly devoid of any redeeming features. But the disc offers the kind of extras many better films will never receive. Kudos to Sub Rosa for their continued support of Skid Row cinema and the excellent effort that they put into their DVDs … just be wary that some of their films are not for everyone!!

For ordering details visit the Sub Rose site by clicking here.

Review by Stu Willis