THE GRAVEYARD

A group of drunken teenagers jump through a hole in the fence and sneak into a local cemetery one evening. Their plan is to play a series of dares, instigated by their arrogant ringleader Jack (Leif Lillehaugen, IS ONE OF YOU EDDIE?).

The rest of the group - Allie (Trish Coren, BOO), Sarah (Erin Lokitz, BURIED ALIVE), Michelle (Lindsay Ballew, MR WOODCOCK), Charlie (Chris Stewart, MARRIAGE CALIFORNIA STYLE) and Eric (Mark Salling, CHILDREN OF THE CORN IV: THE GATHERING) - gather round as Jack places a pile of folded up papers in to Allie's hat. He pulls one piece of paper out, unfolds it and reads the name that's written on it: Eric.

Eric's dare is to stand alone inside a large dark tomb and slowly count to twenty while the others hide around the graveyard. Midway through his count, however, a figure in a black hood and Scream-esque mask appears in front of Eric with a knife. Panicked, he runs screaming through the cemetery as the ghoul chases him.

Reaching the hole in the fence, Eric runs straight into a couple of protruding fence spikes. His friends gather around to help but it's too late: Eric's dead. The ghoul removes his mask to reveal himself as being their friend Bobby (Patrick Scott Lewis, ZODIAC). It transpires that the entire thing was an elaborate hoax that the group were playing on Eric … and it's gone horribly wrong.

The action then jumps to "Five Years Later". Michelle attends Bobby's parole hearing and informs the Board that she is there to support her friend. She tells them she's even organised a trip to a camp near the cemetery where she, Bobby and the rest of their old gang can revisit the scene of the "accident" in the hope of getting closure. What could possibly go wrong, eh?

In no time at all, Bobby has been released and arrives at the camp with Michelle. Once there they meet Peter (Markus Potter) who is there for the weekend acting as groundskeeper and cook. He takes an obvious shine to Michelle - which could prove to be problematic, as she used to date Bobby … and he's already feeling a tad pissed off at the fact that he did the time for a prank they were all involved in.

The others turn up shortly afterwards - Jack with his new tarty girlfriend, the ever so slightly dim Veronica (Eva Derrek, DARK REALITY), who he characteristically treats like dirt. It soon becomes apparent that the group haven't kept in touch over the years, but some history remains (Allie is Jack's former girlfriend, for example).

As the group settles in and evening approaches, we get the usual time-filling scenes of people bickering, being "wacky" or shagging. Only Bobby dampens the mood with his maudlin demeanour and insistence that the nearby woods are not safe.

The rest of the group shrug Bobby's moody warnings off though, and continue to bicker, jape around and fuck … oblivious to the killer with an axe lurking close by.

Strange noises in the night and Michelle gathering the group round to tell them of how Bobby's family were all burned alive while he was in prison, do little to convince this pack of retards that something bad is going to happen. Even when Veronica goes missing (which is a shame, as her breasts are the best thing in the film), they just assume Jack's annoyed her - even he remains typically flippant, announcing that when he finds her he's going to shag her all over.

But, of course, revenge is on the mind of one of the group, and before long the body count begins.

As the above synopsis no doubt gives away, you'd be hard pushed to find a more derivative horror film this year. The prank gone wrong; the revenge plot; the nubile youths alone at the woodside camp; the gorgeous young slasher fodder; the unexplained midnight forays to isolated shower cubicles; the gratuitous nudity; the stereotypical characters (jock/slut/virginal type/person with unknown background etc) … Not even SCARY MOVIE pillaged from the slasher archives as comprehensively as this tediously uninspired "effort" does.

With barely adequate performances and two-dimensional characters, it's impossible to warm or therefore care for any of the cast. The plot is so thin and predictable that any potential suspense has disappeared before the end of the tepid prologue.

Though occasionally gory, the FX work is minimal in this altogether cheap attempt at horror. And even the murder scenes owe to other (infinitely better) sources: the first kill is hugely reminiscent of the cop's torture in RESERVOIR DOGS; Veronica's demise is closely preceded by a steamy shower scene (nice) that strongly echoes an early sequence from THE BURNING; even the very final frame recalls, in a bizarre way, TAXI DRIVER.

But don't let that fool you into thinking THE GRAVEYARD is anything remotely like any of the above. It's not. It's rubbish.

This screener disc was bereft of extra features, or even a scene-selection menu. The film could be navigated with the remote handset by way of 9 chapters, but other than that it was a case of: the disc goes in, the film starts.

I've tried looking online to see if any details of disc specifications are available (extras, additional audio options etc) but I didn't come up with anything.

But, crikey, THE GRAVEYARD could have an all-singing-all-dancing 3-disc Special Edition for all I care. It would still be the most shockingly plagiaristic genre effort of the year.

Review by Stuart Willis