GUMS

I am a simple guy at heart. I like my meat red, my beer cold, and my parodies pornographic! Of course the ‘porn parody’ has evolved over the years beyond just giving the title an erotic twist and throwing irrelevant hardcore shenanigans together for a gestured narrative.

Contemporary sexed up satires such as Batman, Star Wars even Scooby Doo are devilishly hilarious and sexy in equal amounts due to the loyalty and incredible attention to detail paid in regard to dialogue and costumes etc.

So what was the first ever porn parody? While I cannot offer a definitive answer to that question, it’s safe to say, one of the very earliest is a curious title from director Robert J Kaplan. Mimicking a certain yarn about a man eating Great White Shark, 1976’s GUMS is ‘Guaranteed to get you back INTO the water..’

Our movie starts at a fitting American coastal setting. The corny 1970’s soundtrack is only missing someone like Leo Sayer to add a vocal or two in order to transport us to Cringeville USA!

The premise is simple. Some peculiar murders at sea, which culminate in detached penis’s being washed up on the beach, have the town folk in a panic. They call on the local law enforcement, Sheriff Cockswain, who takes on the task of capturing the menace.

It’s not long before a few witness accounts report sightings of these bizarre undersea attacks. Although the ‘action’ takes place underwater, we can pretty much work it out from the victims subtle discourse: "Lordy, Lordy... my dick is being sucked.." It is those very throes of passion that soon turn to excruciating screams of torture!

Clearly struggling, Cockswain enrols the help of Captain Clitoris (Brother Theodore) with the promise of $500 for the capture of this "She Devil .

The Captain, (who is fully attired in full Nazi SS regalia for some unknown reason) doesn’t take long to work out what is afoot when he announces "This mutilated cock is the work of a lovelorn Mermaid". This vulgarity is only topped by his vengeful "Let me rip apart her fucking entertainment centre..." while promising to rid the seaside resort of the evil demon of the sea!

Completed by actor Richard Bolla filling in for Richard Dreyfuss (he even has a similar looking beard), the trio go about their task.

Against a backdrop of vile buzzards with full erections, biting "fart bubbles" jokes, a devoted blow up doll and even the odd "C" word thrown in for good measure, will the mermaid be brought to justice.... or will she set up the first ever porno parody sequel???

I trust anyone reading this as viewed, or at least is aware of, the original Jaws movie. If you intend in watching GUMS, may I suggest you peruse the original just so you can loosely piece together what is occurring in the spoof version. It appears some overzealous editing has been applied resulting in a truncated run time of 66 minutes. At least the cover doesn’t claim to be the director’s cut of the movie!

I am assuming this version of GUMS has been adapted from its hardcore form. My supposition is reckoned due to the infuriating regular pop ups of amateur black and white clip art graphics that hide what’s going on behind those bobbing heads! This, along with some rather erratic editing, means it’s not just explicit sex that is censored, but a few minutes of the narrative as well!

Whether the taboo of sex mixed with violence played a part in removing some of the attack sequences, who knows, but what the hell were they thinking by leaving IN some ill-advised footage of greyhounds shagging to the sound of human voices evidently in the raptures sexual ecstasy. Added to the oddness if nothing else I guess!

The late actress, Terri Hall, who gained some notoriety in the mid 70’s for starring in a multitude of dodgy skin flicks, plays the carnivorous mermaid. Don’t worry, I hadn’t heard of her either!! When reviewing a DVD like GUMS the words "straws" and "grabbing" come to mind!

Even though the DVD cover claims a digitally re-mastered 16 x 9 widescreen print, the picture still appeared very soft and jaded. Not sure how much a spruced up crystal clear look to the movie would have enhanced the horny puppets underwater but it’s worth mentioning.

The theme song borrows liberally from John Williams original Oscar winning score which at least reminds the viewer it is a Jaws parody when things threaten to get too weird! Interestingly enough, the GUMS score was written but Brad Fiedal who went on to score the Terminator movies, Serpent and the Rainbow and Jonny Mnemonic among others. (wahoo.. just found another "straw")

The DVD does contain an Extras section which, although nothing to do with the main feature, maybe of passing interest to those of you with a penchant for 1950’s strip tease clips! These black and white snippets, amounting to around 30 minutes, feature three different ladies shedding their corsets and smiling inanely over a dubbed musical score...

I guess if the original JAWS movie is in your top 10 of all-time favourite flicks, you will want to splash the cash, so to speak, for this vintage slice of sleazy mayhem. But if, like me, you grew up with Star Wars, stick with Allie Haze as Princess Lay-Her to satisfy all your lustful spoof tendencies!!

Review by Marc Lissenburg