GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS OF THE 1970S COLLECTION

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS OF THE 1970S COLLECTION

After Hours Cinema are back again, with another collection of smut from the halcyon days of the 1970s - when the grindhouse was really that, and not just Rob Zombie tossing gore and era-specific songs smugly onto 35mm film.

This time around we get no less than five films crammed onto one disc. My only early reservation about this collection was that, alongside the After Hours Cinema logo on the back cover, there was also the logo for Secret Key Motion Pictures - they're both sub-divisions of Alternative Cinema: the former caters for hardcore tastes, the latter for the softcore crowd ...

So, once we get past the disc's animated main menu page and the lazy lounge music that complements it, what pleasures are awaiting us?

First up is THE SEXPERT, which hails from 1972 and is credited as having been directed by Alan Roberts.

This opens with the same music we've just heard on the menu page, and then introduces a female narrator observing as a weird bloke named Finster in an ill-fitting hat goes to see SEXUAL LIBERTY NOW in a local cinema.

The man then visits a strip bar where he watches one dancer gyrate topless for his delectation. A funky tune with female vocals ("he's a sexpert, ooh ooh") plays on the soundtrack as our freaky, long-tongued friend strips to his Longjohns and dances with the pretty filly. He takes it too far when he tries to grab the dancer's tits and gets thrown out by the club manager.

The action then cuts to our man trying to pick up a demure brunette on a park bench. He's unsuccessful, which leads to the narrator talking the hapless Finster through the several stages of getting a girl and satisfying her.

Filmed in slapstick fashion with silent movie-type captions whenever our wide-eyed clown is on screen, THE SEXPERT tries hard to be funny but just emerges as completely bizarre.

There is a distinct shortage of action here too. Although the pace is brisk, the emphasis is most definitely on (terrible) comic scenarios. This means anyone looking for something to wax their pole to will be sorely disappointed.

Minor female nudity is as much as you can hope for from THE SEXPERT. Oh, and small role for the likeable but overrated Rene Bond (that's her plastered misleadingly all over the DVD's front cover). Her role is so insignificant that she's not even listed in the titles.

Colourful and occasionally inspired in the editing department, THE SEXPERT's greatest attribute is that it's short at only 51 minutes in length.

Although there are no scene-selection menus on the disc, the film can be remote-accessed via 12 chapters.

Next up is PICTURE BOOK OF LOVE. Actually, the onscreen title is THE PICTURE BOOK OF SEXUAL LOVE. Sounds a bit more interesting, eh?

Yeah, well, don't be fooled.

It starts off promisingly with a nearly-explicit blowjob (the key word is 'nearly' - you don't see anything that wouldn't make it into a certificate 15 film over here), but then tails off badly into a 34-minute succession of rather moribund softcore vignettes.

The film can be navigated through by way of 8 chapters.

SKI PARTY follows, and at least has the novelty of some early exterior snowbound photography. There's even a bit of progressive rock on the soundtrack.

I'm not sure what the point of this 38-minute exercise in tedium is either though. It offers no storyline, commendably, but then fails to deliver on its threadbare concept of two girls meeting two men on a cable car and proceeding to fuck their brains out.

Lots of pasty white flesh and unsightly body hair punctuate this one. But, most alarmingly of all, look out for (a) the girl with weird pyramid-shaped tits and (b) the same girl smacking her lips against her clenched fist, in cinema's worst ever fake gobble. It would be funny, if you didn't feel so cheated.

You can flick through this one in minutes if you so desire, courtesy of a reasonably generous 8 chapters.

LEID IN HAWAII is 35 minutes of more shite. More laidback jazzy music, more stock exterior footage (this time of an aeroplane landing) and more ugly people pretending to fuck in carefully shot softcore fashion.

At least there's dialogue and a tiny amount of exposition.

Again, this film has 8 chapters.

Finally, we get SCHOOL OF LOVE.

Bad editing and a couple of audio drop-outs mean we don't see what Peter has done to his wife Laura to make her flee the marital bed proclaiming she's "not a whore" (grounds for divorce, Peter mate).

A nosy if not unattractive female neighbour barges in, moaning that the rest of the apartment block can hear their arguing. She recommends they visit the titular establishment.

They do, and pretty soon they're getting it on with all and sundry in a bid to become more liberated.

It's hokum, but I appreciated the story and script - as minimal as they were, they were the most the disc had offered thus far!

SCHOOL OF LOVE has 7 chapters. It's shot in an ugly, amateurish style. But so are all of these films. You don't watch them to observe their directors' potential, after all ...

What people do watch films with titles like THE SEXPERT and THE PRIVATE BOOK OF SEXUAL LOVE for, however, is the hope of cheap titillation. Well, good look to anyone hoping to get a bonk-on through these snooze fests.

Actually, having said that, the lesbian scene in SCHOOL OF LOVE isn't too shabby ...

Each film is presented uncut and in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen. Although mastered from original film elements, each title looks fairly rough. Vertical lines are a constant. While colours are fairly strong and softness isn't too much of an issue, there is a great deal of specks, dirt and grain on the pictures. Still, the transfers offer the best that they can from the ropy source material.

English mono audio is okay throughout, although background hiss is fairly persistent.

You may think it impossible to squeeze any extra features onto a disc that already contains five films. Well, we do get a little.

Specifically, we're treated to trailers for ALL THE SINS OF SODOM, DEEP THROAT COMEDY COLLECTION, PUNK ROCK/PLEASURE PALACE and WILD, NUDE AND NATURAL COLLECTION.

There is also a single-page link to Alternative Cinema's postal address and website, for those who wish to order their catalogue.

Finally, we get the now-familiar Grind-It! Function which allows you to watch all five films in one marathon run. You're a better man than I if you can manage this.

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS offers five justifiably obscure softcore films from the 1970s that will appeal to completists and the most ardent Rene Bond fanatics. The casually curious should stay well away.

Review by Stu Willis


 
Released by After Hours Cinema
Region 1 - NTSC
Not Rated
Extras :
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