CLASSIC NUDES USA

Sheesh, this was some undertaking!

2 discs devoted to vintage (I hesitate to use the term "classic") loops from the 1950s and 1960s, depicting the female form in all its splendour. They're all black-and-white … so, does that make them "classic"?

Disc 1 offers a staggering 40 loops, caught on 16mm from all over the world. After a cheesy 1-minute cartoon intro, we're straight into the first loop: "The Scarecrow". A blonde woman in baggy shirt and bikini rides her bicycle into the countryside. She parks it beside a fence and climbs over into a field to visit the scarecrow. Believing him to be real, she takes her shirt off and gives him a dance in her bikini. It ends with the scarecrow coming to life and stealing the strumpet's bike. Thieving bastard.

"Maid On The Riviera" is next, following the exploits (hardly) of a young brunette who attends a photo shoot at an old dark house. The gal narrates in a Southern drawl as an older European woman takes shots of her in lingerie.

Along with "The Scarecrow", these are the only two loops to include (post-dubbed) dialogue. The dialogue is offered in echoed narration and in truth is more than a little distracting. The remainder of the loops play out with old-fashioned jive music … which soon becomes extremely repetitive!

"Her One Desire" is an eye-opener, with busty Virginia Bell writhing around on a bed in skimpy nightwear. As with all the other loops, this is roughly 5 minutes in length and devoid of storyline - it's simply an opportunity to ogle a well-endowed blonde for a few moments. The choice bit in this instance comes when Bell gets on all fours and wiggles her enormous hanging mammary glands for us. Lovely.

"Pastie Escapade" follows, which offers possibly the best-looking brunette in the whole set. She ALMOST reveals her boobies for the camera - however, so far in, there has been no nipple action (even when bras are removed, tape is strategically placed over the offending pointers).

In fact, we have to sift through quite a few loops before we witness any actual "nudity": a couple of bizarre dance routines (both by women who look like those middle-aged drunks that frequent dodgy bars looking for desperate men to shag); the truly unnerving double-whammy of "Hollywood Honeys #332" and "Hollywood Honeys #333", both of which star a wild-eyed woman with gritted teeth who resembles a ventriloquist's dummy; "Tempestua", starring Betty Blue as something resembling Dorothy from THE WIZARD OF OZ. She gets warm and strips down to her petticoat. Not much to see there, then!

Then - finally - we get some tits. "Robin Bliss" offers our first real glimpses of buttocks and nipples. No matter that the woman concerned has hairy armpits and looks like a convicted killer.

Following a ludicrously tame catfight, the boobs are back in our face in "Strip Ahoy" - arguably one of the most erotic loops on offer, providing some quite saucy close-up pantie shots.

"Goddess Of The Hills" comes perilously close to offering full-frontal nudity, but the girl in question manages to protect her modesty behind a well-placed clutch of leaves.

It's all very samey - short monochrome loops set to old dance hall music, showcasing moderately fit women in various states of undress. For the most part the women either dance (drunkenly, in the case of the fat bottomed girl in "Wiggle And Waggle"), writhe around on their beds or pretend to enjoy a telephone conversation in their underwear.

In terms of cinematic style, there is of course none. All lighting is natural and the camerawork is consistent in being of the ill-considered handheld variety.

Of the remaining loops on disc 1, the standouts - if you will - were "Tease And Please" (a very fit black girl strips for the camera), "Sunny Side Up", "Monica No 1" and "Monica No 2" (these women must be in their late forties, surely?!) and "Danice Daniels 12" (she manages to captivate despite just sitting there bare-chested and chatting on the phone.

My favourite though has got to be "Impatient Desire", which is the only loop with a semblance of style. The camera zooms in and lingers lovingly on the firm blonde woman's ample bottom and breasts. That's what it's all about.

All loops are presented in full-frame with added English mono music. The picture quality differs with each loop, but by-and-large they don't look too shabby. Considering their age and history - these are the type of films that were shown in peepshow machines at American penny arcades decades ago - they've scrubbed up quite well, with good contrast and clean restoration. Specks and grain are a given, but it's all perfectly watchable.

Disc 1 opens with trailers for NAUGHTY NOVELIST, SECRET DESIRES and CHANTAL.

Disc 2 proffers a further 10 loops, this time all culled from 8mm reels. The quality is lesser, with soft images and an inordinate amount of print damage at times.

I'm not quite sure why this additional 48 minutes of loops has been allocated to a second disc (to accommodate the wealth of trailers here, perhaps?). But anyhow, they do essentially offer more of the same.

It's the same style of music, the same set-up of half-decent women posing semi-nude for the camera, the same lack of plot or dialogue … the same everything!

It all begins with "A Short Short-Story" which contains another woman stripping down to her underwear, then through a giggly catfight in "Action On A Day Bed" … nothing new at all on this disc, in fact.

Although it is perhaps fair to say that the overall class of women on disc 2 is marginally more appealing than those on disc 1. But then, that's down to personal taste!

Look out for "Candy Barr No 1" - probably the only source of possible interest to aficionados on disc 2.

As with disc 1, disc 2 offers it's rougher prints in full-frame transfers and that grating jive score.

There are also 19 trailers on disc 2, among which are INGA, DADDY DARLING, MISTY and THE FLESH MERCHANT.

Both discs open with animated main menus and employ animated scene-selection menus allowing you to access each loop individually if you wish.

The package is finished off by a six-page fold-out booklet offering excellent liner notes from Michael Bowen, who proves yet again to be quite an authority on the subject of these loops and their stars.

Review by Stuart Willis