CLIMB IT TARZAN

Boobs eh? Whatever your feelings are towards these wondrous mounds of joy, there is one undeniable fact: they come in all shapes and sizes. So when a movie comes along with an ALL FEMALE cast that professes to pay homage to 1970’s sexploitation flicks with a spin on the ‘Good girl gone Bad’ in Hollywood concept, you bet your favourite porno mag I was going to have a peek!

Given the retro cover art featuring a young lady tantalizing about to disrobe, the bubble-gum pink font which would fit snugly into a pair of flares which itself seemed to insinuate a salacious escapade, CLIMB IT TARZAN looked tantalizingly sexy! The title, I later learned, actually used to be a hip American phrase for giving the derogatory middle finger gesture. (And I thought the phrase ‘flipping the bird’ was pretentious!) Confused? You will be!

The movie starts in a promisingly enough manner. In the spirit of the sexploitation movies it claims to pay homage to, it was immediately noticeable that the move was presented in a 4:3 aspect ratio. First to light up the square screen is Paula, a blonde bombshell and fashion model photographer to boot. But her passion is more top shelf (or mail order!) material as oppose to the banality of catalogues. She appears to love nothing more than coercing her models into some delightfully kinky outfits complete with ropes, handcuffs and tightly fastened restraints and gags. Of course if they were reluctant, persuasion by means of her secreted bottle of chloroform was the order of the day...

It was a classic opening containing a good old fashioned grappled cat fight accentuated with some full frontal nudity (made all the more sordid by a baby doll lingerie concealing the rather more innocuous top half). With some frenzied bird’s eye view and quick cut cinematography used against the bongo drum soundtrack picking up pace as the assault progressed; the bar was set high in the opening sequence.

We then get introduced to our main protagonist, (or so I thought) Ginger (Jaime Devitt). Her rapid chatter as the opening titles roll inform us that she, along with her older sister Janice(Jessica Hichborn), have been rendered orphans due to their parents befalling a fatal car accident. With their trust fund delayed at probate, it’s up to her to fend for herself. Some vague insinuations about Ginger not wanting to be taken into care alluded to the fact she was young, but she did look a very legal 20 something to me. We then learn via an awkwardly acted conversation between Janice and her solicitor that the latter is plotting to manipulate the will thus swindling Ginger out of a boat her parents owned.

Ginger naturally then decides to try modelling to get some cash while the will is sorted out. But simply marrying the two narratives was apparently too mundane for writer and director Jared Masters. Although Ginger gets a modelling gig of sorts, the movie then literally introduces new character after new character as it meanders and hops from one sequence to another without really making an awful lot of sense. A vintage style hallucinogenic drug induced courtesy of some LSD laced sugar cubes (remember them?!) and a casual syringe of heroin introduces some disgruntled drug dealer-ettes into the fray. Alongside this we have Janice taking on a clandestine go-go dancing job for the same reasons as Ginger.

The cracks are papered over with some more poorly delivered lines of dialogue which attempt to enlighten the viewer as to what the Samhain is actually going on!

Now when it comes to a nubile all female cast, you would be forgiven for thinking the more the merrier. While there is no shortage of lovely ladies to ogle as the movie unfurled, this concept severely hampered any continuity in the story. Still not convinced? Well how about this for a cast list: Paula, Ginger, Susan, Renee, Fanny, Janice, Darlene, Wanda, Colleen, Pamela, Barbara, Vicki, Gail, Vicki, Tina, Karen, Laura, Amy, Geraldine, Charlotte, Marjorie, Brenda, Delores, Phyllis, Liz, Gay, Sheryl, Tracy, Jo, Holly, Lila, Bonny, Shannon, Georgina, Evelyn, Nancy, Misty, Linda, Carolyn, Tootise, Rosaline, Sandy, Debbie and someone credited as ‘Waitress’! Try cramming that lot into a 74 minute feature AND conjuring a cohesive narrative!

So while a tribute to vintage sexploitation flicks was attempted with the aforementioned aspect ratio, it was hardly comparable to the Tarantino / Rodriguez Grindhouse imitations. The actual aesthetic was far too polished and glossily modern to pass as authentically vintage. Props and wardrobes fared better with antiquated 70’s rotary dial telephones and cumbersome cameras complete with disposable flashes peppering the movie. The Bonus Material included starts with 18 minutes of deleted scenes. While these are largely wordy extensions of the main course, there were a few notable exceptions. Some scenes even offered the narrative a little more cohesion. (For example when Ginger inadvertently reads her sisters diary and discovers she is being ripped off over her inheritance.) Then there were a couple of omitted topless go-go dance sequences. Quite why they were edited out is beyond me. Let’s face it, if you are going to bore me with boobs for 74 minutes, you might as well extend it to 92!

It left the most entertaining ‘Extra’ (dare I say element of the whole disc itself) until last with the ‘Trailer Reel’. Here we are treated to a mix of trailers from the Seduction Cinema catalogue. Most interestingly were the vintage clips. Joe Sarno, who passed away at the ripe old age of 89 back in 2010, was a pioneer in America Erotic cinema. His most high profile moment probably being is softcore follow up to a hardcore classic in the form of DEEP THROAT 2. Well it’s his ‘masterpiece’, ALL THE SINS OF SODOM that has been given a 40th Anniversary collector’s edition release by Seduction Cinema with their promoted DVD. The black and white movie is remastered, uncut, features a commentary track by actress and co-producer Peggy Steffans along with some footage of the Alamo Drafthouse screening. An intriguing package to say the least...

Then there was our old mate 42nd Street Pete hosting BUSTY BABE BONANZA. Here the disc contains no less than 4 clips of the cult Swedish erotic film actress Uschi Digard and the ‘lost Marilyn Monroe strip movie’, which I can only imagine has now been found!

The NAUGHTY NYMPHS DVD starring a fresh faced Sybil Danning is described as an ‘ultra erotic classic German sex comedy’. As a bonus, you get a trailer reel of a plethora of other ultra erotic classic German sex comedies. Sounds a blast! Bottom line is while Masters’ efforts of paying respect to Sexploitation cinema from yesteryear is to be commended, the advances of the current digital era means genuine examples of these antiquated slices of erotica are steadily surfacing all the time.

Sourced from the original 16mm film reels, I would suggest they are ultimately more interesting than an atrociously acted poor imitation.

Review by Marc Lissenburg