Chick Boxer

Lieutenant Drucilla Dread and Sergeant Elke Mantooth of the Bad Movie Ploice are working out at the local gym when they are given an assignment: underground producer Randy Coleman has been "spotted at the video theatre trying to sell tapes of his latest video trash". The girls promptly get to the job and, after a brief struggle arrest the offender. They then look at the "evidence" (i.e. the tapes), the most offensive being a piece called 'Chick Boxer'.

The ladies briefly outline some of the chief bad elements: there are no car chases, no explosions, and as Elke puts it "Please don't get me started on the fight scenes". They subsequently detail the full list of crimes that the film is guilty of:

10) There is an overlong title sequence involving its protagonist tying a pair of shoe laces.

9) The annoying side-kick played by Shawna Baer.

8) The score has been rehashed from both 'Zombie Cop', as well as the 'Bad Movie Case 1: Galaxy of the Dinosaurs'.

7) Bad heavy metal litters the film.

6) The extras in the Karate class are downright pathetic.

5) "This guy", referring to one of many abysmal actors.

4) Bad monologues to the camera, evidence that the filmmakers couldn't integrate the exposition into the picture.

3) Actor "Tom Hoover…again" - the overstated, low-rent psycho who plays Herb in 'Chick Boxer' as well as Benj in 'Galaxy of the Dinosaurs'.

2) James Black's wardrobe.

1) James L. Edwards as the fussy high school stud Billy.

Following this list of crimes we are then presented with the evidence itself, 'Chick Boxer'.

Kathy - a frumpy and unattractive high school teenager - is addicted to watching a martial arts / crime-fighter serial called 'Chick Boxer'. Despite yearning for boy-next-door type Billy, she barely goes out aside from school, and is content just to stay in and immerse herself in superhero fantasies. After being chided by her equally vile best friend, she makes it clear that she wants to be just like her TV role model: "You could fight crime, meet a handsome detective…I always wanted to fight bad guys!"

Soon afterward a couple of hoods - Knuckles and Herb - make their presence felt by robbing the local video store. They soon start to make waves by blackmailing the mayor, who they have caught on camera with numerous fast women. Kathy feels that had 'Chick Boxer' been around, the video store would have been saved, and continues to fantasise about her idol. Billy makes a clumsy effort to ask Kathy out, but is interrupted by his slutty cheerleader girlfriend, which sends Kathy into a depression.

After walking through the school locker room she sees an advert for Viper Con Karate, and slowly becomes a pro-active kickboxing type. The mayor, meanwhile, ends up in serious trouble. The two hoods plan to embroil him in a drugs bust, and are helped by the chief of police. Kathy learns of the plan and tells the actress who plays 'Chick Boxer' about it. The woman is not impressed, however: she informs Kathy that she is too busy due to a new porn venture, and that her teenage fan should just contact the police instead. Kathy, who is learning some new moves, takes things into her own hands…

As with the other releases in the 'Bad Movie Police' series, what we are ultimately given in this package is a very bad super-8 video film ('Chick Boxer'), as well as the newly made 'Police' episode which is designed to justify its re-release. It's blatantly obvious that 'Chick Boxer' is a deliberately poor film: the film-makers, with an ultra low budget and with nothing better than super-8 camera, simply gave up and produced a self-depreciating turd.

The 'Police' episode makes it absolutely certain to us that the offending film is bad. Therefore the package is intended to be a brainless nudge-and-wink session between viewer and film (and its framing scenes). Ultimately this is a pathetic excuse to justify a DVD release, and you only have yourselves to blame if you manage to watch this dreck - let alone support these cinematic losers by actually spending your own cash on it. Stay away, unless you want to buy my copy off me!

As this is a fairly recent package, the newly-filmed police framing scenes are crisp, clear and colourful in the full screen ratio. Sound is also very competent. But the 'Chick Boxer' film itself, shot with crude and cheap materials, looks very poor. The video format that it was shot on cannot cope accurately with flesh tones and finds even the most modest of light levels overbearing. The result is a muddy, grimy, overexposed aesthetic that is completely lacking in colour - but this is a fault of the original elements. The DVD presentation itself cannot be blamed. Also featured is a commentary with director J.R. Bookwalter who frequently dismisses the film - and its not hard to infer that he feels 'Chick Boxer' is not only deliberately - but unforgivably terrible.

Review by Matthew Sanderson