BLACK DEVIL DOLL

I weep for independent US cinema! I truly do! The time has come for the US to close-down Hollywood, sell-off all of its history and work-space, and to quit, whilst it can just about raise its head over the parapet. America has the biggest film industry in the Western world, and I am a fan of unusual and off-beat independent cinema, irrespective of who made it. If it's a good film, I will champion it to all and sundry...

...But it is because of a small exploitation film by the name of "Black Devil Doll", that I now weep and fear for cinematic humanity.

"Black Devil Doll" is a haphazard mix of "Child's Play", and a light-hearted riff on modern-day Black cinema, from the likes of John Singleton and The Hughes Brothers. A recently electrocuted, black serial-rapist has his soul Ouija-boarded by a big-breasted young woman, into the ventriloquist doll that she has on her couch, next to her Pooh Bear. Once alive and kicking, the doll goes on another spree of nookie and mass-slaughter, as only a foot-high doll can do. It's fun for all the family, folks... if your family consists of retarded rednecks!

Having been rated X by an "all-white MPAA jury board" - it's actually garnered an R-rating (and it's a spoof on Melvin Van Peebles "Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song" controversial certification process, from 1971) - the film purports to be a modern-day cult Blaxploitation comedy. What we get is certainly that, but it's neither funny, and it appears to take all the worthless elements of Blaxploitation, rather than the worthwhile ones, combining them into this rather bizarre hybrid horror-porno-exploitation film that has no semblance of cohesion whatsoever. In fact, there's little horror in the movie at all. Not as far as SGM-readers are concerned! One reasonably graphic throat-cutting doesn't cut it, in my view.

In fact, bearing in mind this movie took more than two years to put together, I don't understand why this went so badly wrong. The film has a smattering of gore. There's nudity abound, plenty of foul language, and it's short-and-sweet. It should be worth a rental punt, if nothing more. Yet, if I'm honest, the real issue the film fails is because there's not much of a plot to warrant a full-length movie. Not even one to stretch to a measly 65 minutes, plus 7 more of surreal credits, more on which in a moment. And, if good cinema is anything to go by, you have to have a decent plotline. No amount of stellar production values, or Emmy-award winning cast members, or million dollar marketing budgets, can rescue a film if you don't have a decent concept. There's always the exception to that rule, but 99% of the time a crap plot will end-up being a crap film.

Don't get me wrong: this film has a beginning, a middle and an end, but the ending is so anti-climactic, you'll sigh in frustration. In fact, the whole film barely gets going, before it comes to the never-less-than-expected conclusion. This film is a genuine disaster movie!

No, I lie! It's nothing but a disaster!

It's the kind of film that makes dying of a cancerous tumour seem almost joyous! Director Jonathan Lewis has, alongside writers Shawn Lewis and Mitchell Dayes, concocted quite possibly the most pathetic movie I've ever sat through. A film so barely worth its own existence, that if you took the worst of Jess Franco's output, and added-in "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" - a film noted for being worse even than "Plan 9 From Outer Space", - then you'd have a double-bill of hedonistic pleasure so high, it couldn't be measured by scientists with the finest equipment money could buy!

I kid you not! If this is worthy of a DVD release, then cinema has now effectively died! And I, for one, will not miss it.

I'm a reasonable person. I like bad films. The afore-mentioned Ed Wood sci-fi masterpiece, is a comedy classic that should be seen to be believed. But, at least Ed Wood didn't attempt to be something he wasn't. He tried to make films, but failed beautifully, even at his lowest ebb. The fact he became part of cinema history, and is fondly remembered by both audiences and friends, has to count for something. However, "Black Devil Doll" is just a crass excuse!

The film claims it will offend everyone. It doesn't. I'm a black person. I've experienced racism, and I know that racist words can still hold much power when used today. But there's nothing at all offensive, in the true meaning of the word, to get hung up about in this film. The doll repeatedly using the term "nigga" just doesn't upset me. It's not because the doll himself is black, or that the insult is a poor parody of how some Black Americans may talk, but that it simply isn't as offensive in the context of the rest of the film. In fact, it's not even the most offensive!

Not even the endless parade of artificially-endowed woman having to enact every sex act in the pornography spectrum, with all the realism of an "Emmanuelle In Space" flick, doesn't quite do it! (Yes, even counting the water-sports scene, and the anal sex/flatulence skit!) Nope, not even the naff car-wash scene, where - for no justifiable reason whatsoever - four women decide to wash and wax a car, whilst simultaneously touching each other's breasts, fingering their crotches, and using their naked bodies to clean soap-suds off of the windscreen! It's certainly tasteless, as well as pointless, but it's not the scuzziest element!

The only thing that is genuinely offensive, is the fact that the writers have resorted to old-fashioned stereotypes about black men, and used those myths in which to work a film plot around. I don't want to get too political or distasteful here, but let me just make this clear: black men, in general, do not have bigger genitals then non-blacks. If you watch porn, then you might think otherwise. Yet, these well-attributed men are few and far-between. They are not the norm! And although it may be a shock to the writers and director, all black men do not have the urge to generally treat white women as Ho's and bitches, so that we can violate and degrade them for our own sexual prowess!

You may laugh, and call this kind of humour trivial, but to build an entire film around the topic of a black rapist raping (then slaying) white women for his own amusement and pleasure, is just inexcusable. If you were trying to make some kind of social comment, you might have a point. Exploitation cinema and more importantly Blaxploitation cinema, is not about simply pandering to a majority white, male, heterosexual audience. Nor is it solely about exploiting the characters, so we can all have a good old laugh at the silly, little foreigner, the midget, or the large-breasted woman. It's about utilising scenarios, characters and material, to make a social statement. Works like "Shaft", "Fight For Your Life" and "Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill!" aren't solely about the cast or the extreme content. They are asking audiences to look beyond the lowest common denominations being presented to them, and see what lurks beneath. It's making a valid point, no matter how complex or disturbing that presentation may be.

Ironically, "Black Devil Doll" is produced by Lowest Common Denominator Entertainment. Alas, the irony appears to have been lost on the producers themselves. Ditto, the warning notice on the back cover, that says "due to its sadistic and repulsive subject matter, no one under 17 should view the film". They're partly right: anyone with an IQ over 17 will find this film insulting to their intelligence. So too, will anyone over the age of 17. I know I did, on both counts!

Gents, we're not laughing with you! We're laughing at you! Your film panders quite literally to the lowest common denominator, without offering anything of any worth! You've taken two exploitation genres, and produced a film that says nothing and does nothing. Maybe taking your heads out of your collective Yank backsides, might let you see a little more clearly, and produce a decent film next time. "Black Devil Doll", however, is not that film. It's a rotting, putrescent carcass that should be rapidly disposed of, and forgotten about.

But, we're not quite done slating this film just yet. No, the makers commit one final, cinematic cardinal sin, that will annoy and grate you even further.

In the end credits scroll, just about every horror and exploitation creator, director and journo of recent times is thanked for their help in getting this film off of the ground. Fangoria, The Dark-Side, and Rue Morgue are all listed. So are their editors (Anthony Timpone, Allan Bryce, and the gorgeous Miss Jovanka Vuckovic respectively). So too, is GoreZone, along with some genuinely great genre artists, including John Waters, Rob Zombie, and many more. If any of the people I've just named did indeed have a hand in getting this film off of the ground, then immediately congratulate yourselves for setting back the horror genre about 85 years! This pitiful excuse of a movie, simply gives the horror and exploitation genres a very bad name. Something fans have been fighting to remove, and continue to do so.

Lest I forget, and with everything else I've discussed, I haven't mentioned the quality of the disc and its extras. (Were you still actually bothered?!) The picture is in anamorphic 1.85:1, and appears to have been taken from an S-VHS Master. It's not too shabby, but grain and flaws do present themselves, along with the overall soft-texture to the image. Detail is acceptable, but it should've been much better. Plenty of noise also works its way into the image. Sound is basic stereo, and with the film being dialogue heavy, with no SFX worth mentioning, it does the job, but only just. (The DD 5.1 logo on the back cover is wholly inaccurate!) You won't be demo-ing this to anyone anytime soon!

One of the extras offers the option of listening to the film with the theatrical premier's audience reaction soundtrack. If you've ever watched any behind-the-scenes documentaries showing how an average US audience hoot and holler through a horror film, you'll know what to expect. It's a reasonable alternative audio option, but unless you were at the screening, you will find the reactions to be irritating more than entertaining. (Wolf-whistles to every scene of nudity, will quickly grate!)

Extras-wise, the majority are bland. Three trailers are included: an R-rated and an Unrated one for Black Devil Doll, which contain unused material and alternate footage, but these aren't much to write home about once you've seen the film. A third trailer is for a sex-wrestling film called "Brawlin' Broads" which also appears at the very start, once you insert the disc. Unless you get your rocks off watching women beating and grappling with one another, in an ITV, circa-1979, "Wrestlemania" kind of mentality, you may find this poor excuse for a promo to be rather unappealing.

Two audio commentaries exist, of which one is with the crew, and the second is with the actor who did the voice of the Black Devil Doll himself, in the same role. I didn't listen to the first one, but the second is moderately amusing, in a post-pub, completely rat-arsed kind of way. It's akin to listening to a street gang member, jive-talking his mouth off, at women and whitey! All very ho-hum, in my view, and very much a novelty. Then, there are a couple of still galleries. Again, okay, but not exactly anything to get wild over. Finally, there is the featurette, showing the director at the US premiere. At less than 8 minutes in length, and with a poor soundtrack making it difficult to hear what is being said, it's more of a puff-piece for the film-makers, than the DVD audience. It does have the mildly entertaining sight of two men throwing small, black dildos out to the theatre audience as gifts (!), but you won't learn anything from this bit of footage. Oh, and Rotton Cotton get a plug, just as they do in the movie itself. The reason appears to be that they helped bankroll this piece of artistic excrement! If anything, it may now put you off using them or wearing their products!

That is more or less it...

Almost!

In spite of all of this crapness, there is one extra that is genuinely fun, intelligent, witty and makes for rewarding viewing. It's true, honestly!

A trio of animated shorts related to the film and its themes, can be played, and these are actually entertaining! The first also appears at the start of the film, and is about DVD piracy. Very twisted, deliriously sexist and, very, very funny. The second one plays at the start of the film, and has the MPAA rating the work, and then being slaughtered! But, last of all, is the piece de resistance: Barack Obama befriending the Ku Klux Klan. At about 5 minutes, this is laugh-out lead comedy genius, with a spot-on voice over of the US President. What a shame none of the inspired humour and inventiveness from these three shorts, made it into the movie itself. In spite of this single, positive extra, I cannot recommend the DVD for these alone! But they are the only thing I would want to watch again on it!

Ultimately, I have now seen the future of horror... and I want to piss on its grave in anger and disappointment! For the love of all that is holy, worthwhile and great about the exploitation world, please do everyone a favour, and avoid purchasing this film with your own money, or even downloading it illegally! (You'll be wasting your own time, money and bandwidth - none of which the people behind this film deserve any of!) It may be the most valuable 72 minutes you will have saved yourself.

Review by Pooch