It's not a good sign when you let the PR rep know the DVD has arrived and they wish you "good luck". But she was right - I'd need it. Birdemic is a film that burns itself onto your very soul, leaving your eyes forever stained by the cinematic travesty you've just forced them to witness. It's a monument to wrong-headed filmmaking, a mausoleum where all budding directors must doff their caps and utter "there but for the grace of God go I". Those that demand any artistic merit in their cinematic diet should run to the hills lest they catch a glimpse of Birdemic's nefarious charms and get drawn into its evil nest. This is a dangerous film - Once you're infected, there's no turning back.
To be fair, Severin Films know exactly what they're unleashing on the world. Wisely, they're not trying to convince anyone that Birdemic is a work of great beauty and wondrous depths, worthy of a place in Cinema's hall of fame. They know that, if anywhere, this movie belongs in The Museum Of The Shit, safely encased in glass along with The Room, Troll 2, Things, Boarding House and Godmonster Of The Indian Flats. Here, they proudly announce, is a new "Best Worst Movie" - something to be experienced rather than enjoyed. And what an experience it is.
Let's take the opening ten minutes of the film. We get three minutes of titles, which consist of a wonky shot through a car window, almost as if the camera is balanced on someone's knee, over which what sounds like a loop of the same ten seconds of music plays. The tune drones on just long enough to make you start crying. Our hero, Rod, steps out of his car and walks excessively slowly to a diner. And it's not just excessively slowly - it's also a very odd walk. Imagine Robert Patrick as the T-1000's walk, only after he's crapped his pants. Rod then spends ages staring at a pretty blonde girl, Nathalie, before chasing her out of the restaurant and down the street. They have a brief and awkward conversation where Rod reveals he used to sit behind her at school. He says he is now a software salesman. She is now a model, "and a very beautiful one too" says Rod, hopefully. Rod then stands motionless and watches Nathalie walk down the street for ages before chasing after her again and exchanging numbers. Then he drives away. He stops off to fill up with gas. He gets stuck in a traffic jam. He gets out of his car and walks slowly towards his office. He walks through the foyer of his office. He then sits in a tiny cubicle and makes a sale over the phone, punching the air with delight. His buddy asks him what's up. Rod has just made a million dollar sale. Woo-hoo!
It's a thrilling opening, as I'm sure you can see. But what you can't get from that is the fact that these ten minutes feel like about half an hour. Absolutely everything happens so slowly, as Director James Nguyen feels the need to show every detail of Rod's journey from place to place. It almost feels like the whole movie is shot in real time. This continues throughout the whole film - Nguyen never cuts to the chase when there's the chance for the characters to have lengthy drives filled with excruciating and irrelevant detail. And for a film where the majority of the "action" takes place on the road, that's an awful lot of shots through car windows.
I've not mentioned the astonishing use of sound in this film yet. Hardly any attempt has been made to balance the dialogue with any background ambience. As a result, every time a character speaks it sounds like someone has triggered a sample. The beginning and end of sentences are cut off in pops and crackles, and two characters conversing in the same room can sound like their voices are being played in from a distant dimension. The effect is unlike anything I've seen in a professional release. Even A-Level Media Studies films have more technical merit!
And while we're on the subject of technical merit, nothing, NOTHING, can prepare you for the special effects frenzy that will take place before your eyes when the birds finally begin to attack. The same, unconvincing, computer generated image is plastered onto the screen multiple times like a horrible animated GIF. These birds seem to attack by hanging motionless in the air, looking at the thing they are "attacking" and occasionally flapping their wings while the same sound effect of an eagle's screech is played over and over and over again. Occasionally we get a glimpse of a group of birds flying horizontally or dive-bombing our hapless heroes, but mainly it's groups of mysterious hovering eagles, cawing again and again and again until you want to fill your ears with superglue. And why, pray tell, do these birds initially make the sound of WWII dive bombers when they attack, exploding on impact? Later they just glide in with a loud caw, stupidly ramming themselves at doors or windows. And what is with the scene where a group of eagles suddenly are able to spray what appears to be acidic orange juice at people? Words do not do this justice. You have to see it for yourself.
And see it you should. There are so many little touches of wrongness in Birdemic that make it endlessly hilarious: People using coat hangers to fight birds when they have a car filled with assault rifles; The fact that key scenes are often filmed in busy places, making it clear the bird attacks are only affecting the heroes; The mind-blowing song "Hanging Out With My Family"; The sheer amount of water the characters get through; Endless ill-advised stops for picnics or strolls through the countryside once the birds start to attack; The incessant environmental preaching from random characters they meet, one of whom suddenly says "I hear a mountain lion" and runs away. It's utter madness and if the film had been constructed to be deliberately terrible it would be comic genius.
As a group experience, this is right up there with The Room and Boardinghouse. While it lacks some of the audience participation potential of Tommy Wiseau's cult classic, Birdemic is infinitely enhanced by viewing with a bunch of folks all as amazed and amused at the travesty taking place before them. It's ideal midnight movie fodder and if you get a chance to see it on the big screen gather as many of your trash loving chums as you can and go. This sort of film is elevated far beyond anything that can be achieved by home viewing when seen with an audience hooting with laughter. With the success of The Room's screenings around the UK, we can only hope Birdemic gets the equal cult status and showings it deserves. As the end credits ran, one of the people I watched this with turned to me and said "That movie raped all the culture out of me". You can't say fairer than that.
Review by Paul Bird
| Released by Severin Films |