Alien Agenda: Endangered Species

So, this is my first review for SGM. I'd like to thank Alan for giving me this opportunity, my postman and his glorious company for delaying my package and thus delaying this review, my parents for introducing me to the world of horror (I was left with my Grandpa one night when my folks went out, and the old bugger decided to take me to the video store to rent Zombie Flesh Eaters, Evil Dead and Dawn of the Dead - 8 years old… nice…), and the local electricity board for their generous donation of two power surges which caused my PC to fry and trash my reviews…thanks guys…

So now we've got all the crap out of the way, let's get on to the real reason we're here - the aforementioned film.

The story begins with our heroine, Megan Cross, played by modern day Scream Queen™ Debbie Rochon. She's a television reporter currently investigating into alien abductees for a show called "Eye on the World", which is shown through a series of badly acted, ridiculously stereotyped, talking head segments. We are then shown her life outside of the television studio, and all does not seem well. She lives with her boyfriend, John (played by Joseph Zaso), and they seem on the outset to be the typical couple living together. But after a series of late nights at the office and anonymous phone calls, Megan suspects that her boyfriend is up to no good. She decides to follow him one day and catches him meeting up with another woman. After a brief confrontation over this at their apartment later, some random woman to bursts into their apartment and holds them both at gun point. John manages to subdue his attacker because… and here's the shock twist folks, and we're only 10 minutes in… he's an alien. Wow, the irony. Megan is obviously shaken up by this, and so decides to kill John. Action. Drama. Intrigue. What more do you want?

Fast forward a couple of years and we find that Megan is now working for a secret organisation called The Complex which keep stabs on alien activity throughout the world. Not bad for only three people in a garage. The story focuses upon Fritz, an agent for The Complex who has reappeared in Las Vegas after a 5 year absence. He's being chased around by two… ahem… Men In Black, who seem to after a painted match box that he has. Cue lots of painfully poor special effects and acting.

Finally we're shown another operative, the imaginatively titled Cope Ransom. Cope is wandering alone in the now deserted area of Florida trying to access the alien's satellite broadcast system. Again, that acting style comes back, and those special effects just light up the screen. Sod your Matrix and your Star Wars.

I should really have gone more in depth with my analysis of this film, but I really can't. This has to be THE worst film I've ever had to sit through. Now I can stomach a lot of Troma's output, and I can appreciate the work of films like Violent Shit and The Dead Next Door as they're not trying too hard. They're mindless gore, and they wear it proud. But this… this… thing is just plain and utter monkey semen. The special effects are truly laughable, and to make matters worse, there's a blurb on the front cover from Screamcraft stating "It is filled with cool robotics and special effects". I'd like to go to one of their movie showings as they seem to be shoving a lot more than popcorn down their throats. The script is the worse kind of cliché ridden crap that even Dr Who producers would have rejected and the acting is so embarrassing that you want to send these performers off to a telesales company where they can't do any more celluloid damage.

After glancing at the credits, things start to get worse. It seems as if four directors took charge of this - Kevin J. Lindenmuth, Gabriel Campisi, Ron Ford and Tim Ritter. Now, we'll point our figure at Mr Lindenmuth as he seems to be the ring leader here. Listen buddy, rule number one of zero-budget filmmaking - don't make Sci-Fi. Sci-Fi movies need money and decent writers to pull it off. Just because you've got yourself a video camera and a Mac equipped with an editing suite and a paint package doesn't mean you can make a convincing alien drama. I know that everyone has to start somewhere, and that the advent of digital film is opening up opportunities for filmmakers everywhere, but this film is the reason why independent cinema is mocked from above.

I'm really trying to find a positive remark about the film, but I can't. Debbie Rochon can't rescue this, and even manages to come across dull and flat. It seems as if the filmmakers put all their funds into hiring her for a day, and hired their mate Dave to do the effects as he once had a picture of his shown on kids TV.

But the buck really doesn't stop there. We now come to the DVD presentation from Screen Entertainment. Full screen, mono, interactive menus and scene access as extras. I know this was a shot on video production, but that doesn't mean we have to have an authentic, ex-rental video look to the DVD, complete with dodgy tracking, interference, and rolling picture. The sound was so bad that I had to turn the bass on my system completely off, leaving me with treble rich muffled dialogue, badly recorded music, and a nasty hiss coming through the speakers.

If you find yourself picking this up in the shop, or slowly moving your mouse pointer over the 'buy' icon, walk away. Don't do it. Follow the Grange Hill advice and 'Just Say No'.

Review by Steven Smith