BEACH BABES FROM BEYOND

BEACH BABES FROM BEYOND

Back in their mid-1990’s heyday, you wouldn’t normally associate Hollywood elite such as Travolta, Swayze, Stallone and, erm, Estevez (!) with a low budget slice of Sci Fi schlock. And you know what? You would be right! You see, although the opening credits of BEACH BABES FROM BEYOND do indeed boast the names mentioned above, they are actually referring to close family members of Tinsel Town’s A-list.

Patrick and John’s brothers, Sylvester’s mum and Emilio’s uncle all combine with a bevy of sun kissed beauties in the inaugural movie from straight to video pioneers TorchLight Entertainment. Throw in legendary Scream Queen Linnea Quigley and you have the recipe for a highly entertaining tale of titillation from outta space – or do you?

BBFB starts when Sola (Nicole Posey) reluctantly ‘borrows’ her daddy’s space ship to travel with her two female friends to the Beta 45 system. Her parents Gork (Don Swayze) and Yanna (Mama Stallone) are away on a romantic trip of their own in another galaxy – or something.

Anyway, the trio dream of meeting some space hunks. But before their girlie fantasies can come to fruition, they run out of fuel and only get as far as Planet Earth! They could have crashed onto a council estate in Croydon but luckily they end up on the sun drenched beaches of the West Coast USA.

It is here they cross paths with Dave (Michael Todd Davis) and Jerry (Ken Steadman) who are visiting the formers Uncle (Estevez) called Bud. Uncle Bud indulges in a healthy life of tofu, sun and sea and although his board no longer rides the waves, he still ‘surfs the cosmos’ with his daily meditations. His lifestyle would be perfect if it wasn’t for the fact his shack needs $30k of repairs. Failure to carry this maintenance means his humble abode will be condemned by a ruthless property tycoon and alas will render him homeless.

As the extra-terrestrial lasses bond with the Earthly hunks through beer and soya milkshakes (which just happen to be a potent aphrodisiac when consumed by the galactic girlies) the group get wind of a Bikini Contest in which the grand prize is no less then, wait for it... $30K!!!

After the boys sow their collective intergalactic oats, the girls waste no time in designing swimsuits and entering the competition. Imagine the bastard offspring if BAYWATCH was to mate with THE KARATE KID and you have the gist!

On the downside, Quigley’s character Sally (who wants to steal the innovative bikini designs for her own nefarious means) keeps her clothes on. But on the upside, there is still time for a the viewer to exclaim ‘Holy Pointless Cameo Appearance!’ as none other than Burt Ward (Robin from the 1960’s TV show Batman) trundles into town playing Mr Bun. His palm thumping zeal maybe missing but his neat side parting is faithfully still intact!

Will the milk of human kindness triumph over greed? Will Uncle Buds home be saved? Will Dr Veg (Joey Travolta) who now owns a health food stall at the beach be able to use his skills from his previous career as a nuclear scientist to conjure the exact fuel required by the trio’s space ship? I think you guys may already have a hunch as to the answers....

Well the best that can be said of this head scratcher of a movie is the run time was a mere 74 minutes. Even with the comparatively short running time, there were still notable amounts of filler throughout. Scene after tedious scene of beach party frolics featuring ludicrously nubile girls and six pack sculptured guys, dancing away in the sun to such wonders as I GOT A WOODY. (Kind of Beavis and Butthead do The Beach Boys if you will) But it wasn’t simply sun baked seashore shenanigans. There was a distinct whiff of monotonous sentimentality throughout as Uncle Bud fought corporate sleaze bags and looked to rekindle his romance with his true love. Maybe TorchLight should have learned from MARK OF THE DEVIL and supplied free vomit bags for these scenes!

Of course being marketed solely on video tape upon its initial release, the aspect ratio of 4:3 is faithfully retained. This in itself was not so much of an issue given the notable soft focus look the movie had to it. This softness increased considerably when the numerous romantic interludes took place. In these love scenes the visuals were so fuzzed out I wondered whether a pair of stockings had been stretched over the camera’s lens!

The audio also suffered from a few inconsistencies. In places it was a little muffled while at others the dialogue was over inflated to the point of near distortion.

The disc does come loaded with a few quality EXTRAS it has to be said. For a start there is 16m 49 s DELETED SCENES chapter. Quoting from its foreword, the material is "a collection of extended scenes from an uncut version of the film that was never released on home video". It goes on to explain that the material has been sourced from the VHS masters and as such is the picture and sound qualities are below par. The condition of the footage, though clearly obtained from video tape, is actually quite commendable and comprises of extensive sex scenes. Although it’s a stitch below softcore, considering the 74 minute runtime, I doubt such material would be expurgated in today’s climate.

Then we get a really intriguing segment called ORIGINAL VIDEOZONE. From what I gather, back in the day, TorchLight had huge ambitions to flood the market with ‘erotic and non violent’ pictures and as such would include a 15 minute video magazine with their releases. I gather this is one such example from the original BBFB release. Presented by Sara Suzanne Brown, it includes a 12 minute ‘behind the scenes’ documentary including interviews and on set footage before treating us to the trailer from a truly wacky movie called VIRGIN HUNTERS. I must confess I have never heard of it until now but it looked as if David DeCoteau (who was also at the helm for BBFB) decided to rip off SOME LIKE IT HOT along with THE TERMINATOR, shove them both in a food blender and then spit the results onto video.

The mandatory FULL MOON trailer park and the original trailer for BBFB complete the bonus material.

Overall the DVD is a decent package if schlocky Sci Fi with an erotic twist is your bag. If it’s not, just remember to pack some soya milkshakes the next time you head down to Scarborough for the day...

Review by Marc Lissenburg


 
Released by 88 Films
Region 2 - PAL
Rated 18
Extras :
see main review
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